Dungeons and Dragons, "Celestial Warlock Problems"

            When I covered the topic of the Undying Patron, a path for the Warlock class that included making a deal with a powerful undead in exchange for power, I mentioned a Warlock path that I found “… totally out of place that I want to complain about it too.”  Today I do just that.

            I rather consider it to be a complete betrayal of what Warlocks are supposed to be in the context of Dungeons and Dragons.  On another level it seems to not entirely grasp what “Goodness” is either.

            Without further prattle, I present this ball of wrongheadedness, the Celestial Warlock.

 

This is not the image of a Celestial Warlock from "Xanathar's".
Somehow that image is not online yet.

What is a Celestial Warlock?

            “Your patron is a powerful being of the Upper Planes. You have bound yourself to an ancient empyrean, solar, ki-rin, or unicorn or to another entity that resides in the planes of everlasting bliss. Your pact with that being allows you to experience the barest touch of the holy light that illuminates the multiverse.

“Being connected to such power can cause changes in your behavior and beliefs. You might find yourself driven to annihilate the undead, to defeat fiends, and to protect the innocent. At times, your heart might also be filled with a longing for the celestial realm of your patron, a desire to wander that paradise for the rest of your days. But you know that your mission is among mortals for now and that your pact binds you to bring light to the dark places of the world.” -Unearthed Arcana: Revised Class Options, pg4

When reading this, and you might think I am crazy, I kept thinking of Jimmy Olsen.  Jimmy is a young reporter/photographer who is a protégé to Clark Kent and best pal of Superman.  Because of Jimmy’s good nature Superman has entrusted him with a signal watch that allows Jimmy to call the big blue boy-scout should the young journalist ever find himself in extreme danger.

The virtues that earn him the trust of Superman are always there to see.

Jimmy trusts Superman implicitly and was entrusted with the signal watch because Superman likes and trusts Jimmy.  They didn’t sign a deal, they didn’t make an arrangement, it was a gift from a powerful force for good to a normal person to better ensure the safety of that person against the indomitable forces of evil (at minute 19:00).

I do not like this sort of thing in the context of Dungeons and Dragons.

Why is it a betrayal of the Warlock class?

            The core of the Warlock, the very essence of the character, that thing that describes them completely can be summed up with two phrases, “I’m playing with fire,” and, “I have no idea what I am doing.”

            The character is built around having power they cannot completely control do not entirely understand.  This power is given to them by an entity of dubious motives in exchange for what might be only a trifling task.  That entity has an ultimate goal, and the Warlock either directly serves the patron’s goal (which would be bad) or they are trying to thwart that goal via being a clever hero pushing back against destiny.

            A Warlock is given power by something powerful that is a CORRUPTING force.  This entity might be evil, mercurial, unknowable, or just strange.  What it is not: a clear and present force for good and right.

            Now maybe this is just a predisposition of my Western Culture upbringing, but when you make deals to get power on the cheap to accomplish a goal, thwart catastrophe, or circumvent destiny, that shit always turns out badly for the mortal making the deal.

The drama of the situation is the hubris common people have that keeps them making such deals.  No matter how many times a person is told, “there are no short cuts” or, “there are no free lunches” the drive of humans to cut corners or somehow see themselves as the guy who beats the system wins out.  The Warlock type characters in fiction are all a metaphor for the human condition, trying to harness or break with natural laws for cheap power and ultimately being consumed by forces that will not be controlled.

This is true whether you are making a deal with the forces of the underworld (Orpheus), a powerful creature of the night (“Dracula Untold”), SATAN (“Faust”), malicious fey (Rumpelstiltskin, a good instance of the hero in the story managing to get out of the deal once getting all they need), a dragon (“Dragonheart”, which is actually one of the only inversions of the trope I could find where the Lawful Neutral/Good dragon gives his life force to a dying evil prince… and here is a good question, “Why the hell is Dragon Pact not a thing in Dungeons and Dragons?”), or an Old One (“Dormammu!  I’ve come to Bargain.”)

“The warnings come AFTER the spells.”

Why is it a misunderstanding of “Goodness”?

            As I mentioned earlier with my little blurb about Superman giving Jimmy Olsen the signal watch, they didn’t sign a deal, they didn’t make an arrangement, it was a gift from a powerful force for good to a normal person to better ensure the safety of that person against the indomitable forces of evil.

            To me, Goodness doesn’t haggle.

            Goodness does its best to trust that others are good and GIVES them aid.

Good begets good.

When I think of the act of being a good person in real life (even in conjunction with supernatural beings like a religion) you are not supposed to be good for a reward.  You are not supposed to be doing good deeds and minding your manners because you expect other people to give you stuff in return.  Maybe the phrase “Nice Guy” will give you an indication of what I am talking about.

TO ME, a person who would make a deal with an angel to be a good person in exchange for magical powers would be looked at by the angel as unworthy of such power.  The angel wouldn’t grant power to that guy, the one bargaining.  The angel would go look for someone who is doing right for its own sake and give that person power.

Good is Good because it is for its own sake.

Here is the retort I think I am hearing thru the internet, “What about Paladins?  They have a code they have to follow in order to keep their powers, isn’t that a deal?”

Let’s look at that then.  A Paladin’s code is the hard and fast guidelines that a person with great power must follow to make sure they keep a hold on the internal goodness that got them the power.

A paladin keeps a code because they know that the power they have been granted/amassed would tempt a person to do wrong.  It would tempt them to push at the boundaries to see what they could get away with… You know, like all the dickheads of the world who play Paladins, just so they can get into an argument with the DM that starts with the words, “Well, ACTUALLY, it wouldn’t be evil because…” and then proceed to rules lawyer a baseline code of ethics.

I am sure the Powers that Be, would have no issue with giving someone who is trying to skate the user agreement over the magical powers.  You know, because Gods have never smote anyone who seeks to use their boons toward malicious ends.

 

“Or!  I could just do and take whatever the fuck I can justify.” -Bad Guy

Paladins are good and thus receive power, they hold to a code (not only in word, but in spirit) so that they do not become corrupted by having so much power.  They hold themselves to a standard to avoid losing the thing that got them their success.

Well if you’re so smart, why don’t you fix it?

            I will continue talking about this topic in Part 2 of this (I did not intend this to take so long) as much like the Undead Patrons I put together I wanted to make a list of potential things from pop culture and adapt them to fit with the Feel of Dungeons and Dragons.

            This might end up being 3 entries.  We’ll see.

            (Writing this in the future, it ended up at three.)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

            If you want to read more of my stuff talking about Dungeons and Dragons, click here.

            If you would like to see more of my Political side, click here.

            If you want to read a short story I cobbled together, click here and then here.

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