Netflix Horror, 3 Things to Avoid

            I have been watching more and more horror movies on Netflix.  I was doing this in preparation for a 30-day blog challenge for October which would be horror themed because I am a hack and will do things with seasonal synchronicity to drive appeal.  However, I got a real job and have serious doubt that I will bother with a full complement of 30 entries next month because I have the ability to prioritize things like a paying career and promising future.

            To make use of the brain space I would have otherwise wasted by watching these movies I am instead going to do a couple quick reviews.  Let’s start with the movies that should be avoided, and then tomorrow move onto the movies that are good enough to watch but I could not imagine them being on anyone’s list of favorites.

---AVOID---

“I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House” (2016)

Runtime: 89 minutes

Director: Oz Perkins

Writer: Oz Perkins

            I am disappointed to say that this movie is in the Avoid section.  It is a Netflix production, it has a tight little venue where all the action takes place (the titular house) and a good actress (Ruth Wilson) serving as the fulcrum for all the narrative action.  I would even go so far as to say, “I could see someone liking this if it is your kind of thing”.  All of that middling praise out of the way, this movie is cosmically boring.

            I found this film punishingly long.  There is maybe enough material to fill out an hour-length episode of “The Twilight Zone” but this thing is 90+ minutes.  Every scene is stretched past what it needs to be, every action is focused on just a bit too much, and ultimately the lack of “action” (that is to say evolution of the status quo driving the story forward and eliciting the interest of the audience, not explosions or loud noises) keeps me from thinking of this as anything other than a great big waste of your time, and more importantly mine.

            There is no mystery solving, no exploration, and no relationship material happening.  There is no arc.  Boring.  Maybe if you liked the movie, “Under the Skin” (which I hated) you might find the appeal here.  Otherwise, I recommend staying away.

“Demonic” (2015)

Runtime: 83 minutes

Director: Will Canon

Writer: Max La Bella, Will Canon

            This movie has a good gimmick.  A detective and psychologist are investigating what happened to a group of ghost hunters who are all either dead or missing after having spent the night in a haunted/cursed/notorious house.  The execution of everything feels weak.

            The movie feels broken, like they had a short film about ghost hunters being killed by what they were investigating but they had to bring it up to feature length.  The scenes with the Detective and Psychologist feel like a studio mandated framing device added to make the original movie (about the ghost hunters) longer and to include some stars for it, as both Frank Grillo and Maria Bello are slumming it big time in this and are the only actors of note (hold on, I just looked up the Asian guy, Aaron Yoo, who is a good character actor and should get more work, I did not recognize him initially though).

            The ghost hunter group is presented in a mix of found footage and regular camera work, which again makes the whole thing feel broken, pick one style and go with it flipping to and away from a gimmick style just makes it weaker.  The ghost hunters are also not distinct enough, there were two thin white guys who blended right together in my mind.

            Beyond that there are lots of little issues, like the house, which is supposed to be abandoned (I think) having lots of furniture in it, including a big rug covering up a demonic seal on the floor (call me crazy, but if I were going to try and flip that house I wouldn’t throw a rug over that, I would sand it off or paint over it… Not something you want the realtor trying to spin to potential buyers).

            The twist ending was middling.  This is the sort of boiler plate, hacked out horror movie that you put on in the background at a party for the people who are more interested in sitting and vegging out instead of mingling.

“The Black Room” (2017)

Runtime: 91 minutes

Director: Rolfe Kanefsky

Writer: Rolfe Kanefsky

            This movie is trash.

            Trash.

            I have no idea what tone they were going for, because this thing oscillates between unironic gory horror moments, nasty sexual humor, dumb-childish sexual humor, and unintentional narm.  It feels like a failed parody of the kind of softcore direct to VHS spank material that would clutter the shelves of a local video rental shop in the late 80’s and early 90’s.  Utterly without redeeming feature.

            This is the sort of movie regular access to internet pornography and internet humor should have killed off for good as it is obsolete and unworthy of the time taken to manufacture it.  This movie should be avoided entirely.  If you want a violent sexploitation horror movie watch “Species” instead and do not watch this.  If you want a movie that cunningly moves between horror and comedy watch “Cabin in the Woods” and do not watch this.

            Do not watch “The Black Room”.

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