Tuesday, June 7, 2011

30 Day Movie Challenge: Day 23

            I decided to do the 30 day movie challenge as a blog series as it ties into my blog activities rather easily and I am once again not blogging my usual series with regularity in spite of saying that I would.
            Today is "A Movie that I watch when you're Sad".  Again, when I am mad or sad I do not hide from those feelings, I express them in writing, most of my mopey sad crap never sees the harsh light of the internet, but I still write it out and let my mind move past it.  So I don't watch a movie to escape a particular mood, so let me put out a movie that I am sad with (Not a movie that makes me sad, I already did that).  What have you got for me?  "Super Mario Bros"?  Wait, that was going to be tomorrow's entry about a movie that needs to be remade, why use it now?  You know what?  Let's just do this.

The creator claims no drug influences.  All I know is that this shit be tripping balls.
            Mario and Luigi are gaming's biggest icons, recognizable throughout the United States and Japan for the last 20 years they have outlasted Sonic the Hedgehog and Crash Bandicoot as their parent companies' mascot.  And with a color scheme of red and blue, Mario joins the prominent super heroes of Optimus Prime, Spider-man, and Superman, to insure that pallet of color is the color of incorruptible good... Though considering how much crap has been made about each of those characters that is in one sense not true.  Take for instance "Super Mario Bros."

What a piece of shit.
            This movie, did nothing right.  And by nothing, I mean nothing.  Bad cast, art direction, bad music, bad plot, bad interpretation of the source material's mythology.  There is nothing to like or enjoy about this disgusting travesty of a film.  I would rather watch "Twilight", or "The Happening"  because at the very least I feel those movies are true to what the creators of them envisioned... They envisioned crap, but it was at the very least their crap.
Just in this image, take a guess at what anything in this is.  And I'll spot you Dennis Hopper.

            Okay, so the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, didn't kill the dinosaurs, instead it pushed them into a bleak alternate dimension where they evolved into humans, they use machines that de-evolve and super-evolve people into either doofish giant minions or super smart agents... None of this was in the game.  The rightful king of the world was de-evolved into fungus and is still sentient and crawling all over the world.  Princess Daisy (Not Princess Peach or Toadstool mind you, the established characters) has been hiding in our earth and has a bit of the meteor that if inserted into the meteor will merge the alternate earths, she doesn't know that she is from the alternate world.  Mario and Luigi get pulled into this by trying to save Daisy from a kidnapping by super-evolved agents.  So far, in this paragraph, the only thing from the games that are in this movie, are Mario and Luigi... Wrap your head around that.
You remember this from one of the 10,000 games, cartoons, or toys right?  No?  Cause it didn't fucking EXIST!

            Also I need to point out: de-evolve and super-evolve aren't things.  You can't be de-evolved into a monkey, or super-evolved into a super human, evolution doesn't work that way, this movie can't even get its sci-fi correct.  Why not just call it mutate?  You know, like with ooze in the Ninja Turtles, but instead use magic, which was established in the video games.  Maybe mutate mushrooms and turtles into monsters to fight Mario and Luigi after they fall into a magic kingdom of mushroom people hidden under New York?  Then you could have Princess Peach be there a lost girl who was adopted by the mushroom people after she was being chased by King Koopa, a dragon wizard that is menacing the toadstool kingdom just for the hell of it, and he lives in a castle surrounded by lava.  I just wrote a better setting than they did, and they could make it animated rather than live action, thus skipping the need to find actors who could pull off the rolls or compromise the art style.  It should be aimed at kids anyway.
Wipe those smiles off your faces you... You know what, you guys are actors and you have done enough good things to warrant a pass on this... But John Leguizamo still must answer for participating in "The Happening" and "Spawn".

Added August 8th, 2011:
To be fair and have a rebuttal (and I disagree with this guy on absolutely everything he is saying) I would offer this short video review by "Good Bad Flicks" on this film. It is worth watching just for the huge amount of history and behind the scenes stuff the guy has on the production of the movie which I find really cool.

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