I review "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows part 1" pt4 Finally

            While we are in the dungeon waiting for the worst characters in the movie series to come in and save the day I'll continue the review.

            Okay, can someone explain to me what is up with the wands?  They imply that there is some sort of magical connection between a wand and its user.  Since Lord V is imprinted on Harry they have twin wands, they each connect to that design and combination of magical ju-ju.  So how are they able to use other people's wands?  What is the advantage of using your own wand?

            Now let me bring this all the way back to my first complaint of Bellatrix.  Again, good actress, and the the problem isn't so much the character but how the character is used.  And the perfect example is at the 'heroes' lowest point in the movie.  They are captured and are being imprisoned and interrogated by Bellatrix, which is like a bull dog interrogating a canary, she doesn't ask questions, she just chews trying to get it to sing.  Bellatrix is stone stupid.  Harry has the most pathetic disguise they could throw over him, his face is puffy, and Bellatrix can't tell it's him.  He has the same scar, the same glasses, same voice, same height and coloring... Oh, and he is traveling with his two best friends, that like finding Batman with Superman and Wonder Woman, but he's wearing a red cape so the Joker can't tell it's him.  Bellatrix then commences to get her ass wrecked by an elf and some teenagers, getting a killing blow against the worst character in the franchise (Dobby, read "part 1", complaint two), and earning my love and respect.  Feelings you shouldn't have for the psycho antagonist.

And there is the pitch!  Oh!  She hit the batter square up in the face and he's down, yep... She killed him.  Today is a great day in baseball.

            Speaking of psycho antagonists.  How has no one tried to kill Lord V in his sleep?  The man is a monster.  A literal and figurative monster.  He supports ethnic superiority, rule through violence and bloodshed, and has no real management strategy beyond blaming minorities for problems.  Why are people following Lord V at all?  In fact, what is his ultimate goal?  He seems to want to kill Harry Potter, but why?  because Harry, having survived inexplicably in his youth is a symbol of hope to those he suppresses?  So what?  He's a teenage orphan that sheds supporting cast members like a leper sheds fingers.  Harry is lucky, but far from competent, yet he is orbited like he has value.  Why?

I'm not the first person to say that the Wands might just be a penis metaphor right?  Okay, then I won't go on a long pick it apart rant about how that makes perfect sense in a coming of age story, though the Sword makes that metaphor twice over.

            And another thing, nobody thought to go check the Malfoy residence, nobody thought that might be the headquarters of the bad guys?  Snape killed the headmaster of a prestigious private school, less than a year later he is the headmaster of that school, is this "The Highlander" franchise where killing someone gets you their power?  Why aren't the parents complaining about his?  Why isn't he wanted for murder?  Seriously, explain to me why Malfoy is walking free?  And that no one of authority bothered to look for him, at his fucking house.  Is this a British thing?  "Hey, um."  "Yes officer, did you want to search the grounds?"  "Well, yes as a matter of fact."  "Well, we're a bit busy could you stop by some other time?"  "Well, I suppose if you are busy.  What time would you like us to come by on our man hunt?"  "I don't know, my schedule is all over the place right now.  Could I just give you a call when you could come over and conduct your search for the man wanted for conspiracy to commit murder and treason?"  "Yeah just drop us a line when you aren't busy, no need to rush."  Who is running this place?

Yeah, nobody saw this sniveling little shit turning into a sniveling little shit villain in the future.  Christ he can't even kill a helpless old man with dignity.  Hey, if you disagree with Voldemort: defect.  Lord V is just going to fuck you and your whole social order over in the end anyway, he is a nihilistic sociopath and you sided with him... because?

            And a complaint that everyone has touched on, what was the deal with Hermione erasing her parents' memories?  As soon as I saw this happen I said to myself, "Aren't they going to wonder about all the empty frames around the house, not to mention the empty bedroom that they never filled with crap?  What about their neighbors?  "Didn't you have a daughter?  She went to boarding school, you brag about her being top of her class all the time?  What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about?"  Why wasn't Harry's step parents given the same treatment?  Hell, why weren't they given the same treatment in the first movie?  They are abusive shits and Harry should have been allowed to live and work at Hogwarts during the summer, learning to train animals with Hagrid and getting some sort of internship as a page at the Ministry or something.  Instead the school sends Harry back to the people who had him living under the stairs since he was a baby, and for whatever reason hate him but don't want him to go to boarding school.  They make no sense as characters and should have been dismissed as quickly as possible but are kept around for bland manufactured drama.

You just know the neighbors are going to end up calling the cops because they'll assume that these people killed their daughter and just want to cover it up and go on with their lives like psychos would hope to do.  It'd be like the ending to "Shutter Island" without all the competent acting.

            Well, That's all I could think of, but considering I saw it opening week, 5 and a half months ago, and not since... Well, the negative made an impression.  I guess that is part of the issue, The best character of the whole series has been Hogwarts and it wasn't in this movie.  A lot of the peripheral magical world was in "Deathly Hollows", but it was the extreme periphery, the wilderness and the muggle world.  The whole thing just came off as very dull and full of the bullshit angst that "Twilight" has forced into the genre of modern fantasy.  This series lost its spark, and much like I saw "The Revenge of the Sith" out of obligation to the "Star Wars" franchise, I'll see "Part II" out of obligation to this series though I only really liked two of the movies.  It is sad really, they had a built in audience so they took for granted the millions they would make and the hoard of apologists they would have fighting for them, so they made a mediocre film just to cash in an additional time when they could have wrapped this whole thing up by cutting out a lot of the nonsense.

            You all get that don't you?  That this movie was created specifically to make more money, not to give the prose room to breath on film.  That they realized this gravy train won't be ripe for remake for at least 10 years and that they needed to draw it out a little longer to savor the money flow.  This is a scam.  Whatever.

They don't look sad, he looks bored and she looks pensive.  I would say they are going to go on to very little acting wise, but with my luck this guy will be the next incarnation of "Doctor Who" and I'll grow to like him and be brainwashed into apologizing for this series of blogs

            Fuck me, are they camping again?!

I review "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows part 1" pt3

            Hey they just broke camp... but they still have no plan aside from bitching at each other... I guess I'll continue this blog while little else is happening.  Idiots.

            This falls under the 'atmosphere that makes no sense' and the 'pointless scene' headers.  Why hasn't the town council had the half demolished house of Harry's dead parents torn down and a memorial put in?  The damn thing is gloomy and unseemly.  No one living in that neighborhood would want the grim reminder the night a white supremacist fire bombed their neighbor's house.  Yet there it stands along with all the snow and darkness and zero color.  Isn't this supposed to be a fun and magical coming of age story?

You mean to tell me that in the last 6 years since he was made aware of this magical world he never visited his parents grave?  No one, not even his dick headed mortal family thought that might be a good part of the grieving process?

            Okay, another MacGuffin, the book Dumbledore leaves Heromione, you know the bard book.  This collection of fables gives clues that lead to a creepy old woman that turns out to be a giant snake, and another book for them to read and find clues in.  Why did that old lady just turn into a snake?  Why did they leave the giant murderous reptile alive?  Cut its fucking head off.  It is a monster that eats people, no sane culture on this planet suffers man eating animals to live.  They're fucking dangerous.  And why is there a second book?  Just have all the clues in the first book, and cut this whole scene with the snake-woman out.  Oh, I forgot, we have to give the fans of the book their nerd boners.

If it is all the same to you, I've got productive things to do instead of watching a snake eat a woman while we circle jerk to the thought of how evil we all are.

            Speaking of crap that Dumbledore left in his will.  That golden snitch that Harry first grabbed at Hogwarts.  Apparently since he caught it the thing is keyed to his flesh memory, because for some reason no one else had handled it prior to Harry.  Why is flesh memory only being explained now? Cause it is being pulled out of the air.  Why is it so inconsistent?  Why is the skin of Harry's mouth different than the skin on his hands?  Does he have Chimera syndrome when different tissues of the body have different DNA?  This is stupid, and why does it reveal only writing when he first touches it to his mouth?  Its pretty clear another MacGuffin is in there, just crack the damn thing open.

Why the riddle?  If Harry is the only one who could get the message having a riddle only makes it harder on the good guys.  Literally at no point do the villains make any attempt to locate this object, they don't know what it is, or even that it exists or is of any importance.  So why the riddle?

            Speaking of throwbacks to older books, instead of a golden snitch and the absolutely ludicrous sport of quidditch we have the shape shifting potion.  How do you sneak into a government facility with a substance so common it has been a prominent plot point in at least three of these movies?  Shouldn't there be a level of security specifically for that?  A 'true form' field or something?  How is visual confirmation of a person's identity enough in a world of shape shifters?  Why is no one thinking to ask these questions?

How about we give Harry a potion so he looks like someone else?  That way instead of having eight decoys we instead just have one guy in disguise.  Or you know, just put everyone in mortal danger for the sake of a kid who's greatest quality is that he happened to not die as a baby.

            Speaking of breaking into a government facility, when they do break into the Ministry of Magic (a place which was just overthrown in a bloody coup mind you) there is a giant statue.  Where did they get that giant statue of muggles getting crushed by a big block?  Why did they install that on the first day of the new regime?  Why is it a corrupt government being so up front about how evil it is?  Why make a statue that shows living beings crushed under the weight of another society?  Did the wizard community not exist during World War II?  This is all part of a grander strategy of looking evil, because I guess murdering someone who is begging for their life isn't enough to establish the snake monster and his lackeys are evil, they need a statue to take pictures in front of.  This is again why I think Umbridge has been the best overall villain in this movie because her personality of thinly veiled menace and superiority is juxtaposed with her pink and inviting demeanor.  All the more that she looks out of place in front of the giant monument that might as well have white supremacy written on the side.

I used this picture once already, but it illustrates my point rather well.

            I guess we are done with camping, instead we are being locked in a dungeon.  Some heroes we have here... Idiots.

I review "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows part 1" pt2

            Alright on the move again, maybe we're done with the camping long enough for something poignant to happen.

            Another nitpick there are a lot of wasted scenes in this movie.  Like the train scene.  A guy who looks like General Zod is standing on the tracks and stops the express to Hogwarts to inspect the train... Why is Neville on that train?  He is a known associate and collaborator who participated in Dumbledore's Army, shouldn't he have been on some sort of hit list?  You know, a list you hand to Bellatrix so she can entertain herself playing with entrails and not kill minions for shits and giggles.  What is more, why are they stopping the train at all?  Can't they just wait at Hogwarts?  The place is run by Snape now, you could hang out, have some tea, rather than flying to the middle of the countryside to stop a train that only has two stops.  Both of which you know and can be at.

KNEEL!  Before ZOD!

Also, not to harp too much on this, but this is the original image, dark and colorless and nearly imperceptible as anything other than a mess of shadows.

            Or here is another wasted scene, when Harry, Ron, and Hermione enter that hidden apartment that unfolds from the surrounding structure, its very dusty and unused, even though they were there like two movies ago and it seems like an obvious headquarters for the good guys to use.  When they enter that apartment a wisp of dust takes the form of a wrathful ghost of Dumbledore and charges the three and then vanishes... In the theater I said loud enough to be shushed, "The fuck was that?", and then Ron immediately says, "What was that all about?" and I laughed my ass off.  When the characters don't know why a random, never to be mentioned again scene is there, time to cut some fluff.

So this is here to scare off the local riff-raff who might break into the apartment?  The magically concealed apartment.

            Why is there a wedding in this movie?  The plot isn't crowded enough that we have to throw this random set piece in from the book?  If you want to show the growing strain between trying to live a happy life while in a shadow war there are ways to do it, like in the last movie when they burned down the Weasly's home, which was awesome... Funny how that house looks right as rain without mention of how they repaired it.  In fact that would have been a better illustration of the tension, trying to rebuild a home, which had been burned down by lunatics.  Really the wedding isn't the only unnecessary part, but showing Ron's eldest brother and his wife was pointless, they disappear quickly, existing solely to have a wedding, solely to set up the plot.  Why couldn't they have been married off screen?

Because if there is one thing that says, "sure to be exciting" is being a guest at your friend's brother's wedding.  Also, this image has been color enriched so it isn't a blob of darkness.

            Hey, why is the Prime Minister talking to three high schoolers about a high school principle's will?  Couldn't this part of the plot been handed off to Lupin or better yet Luna's father, giving him an actual reason to be there in the first act instead of just dropping him in cryptically, practically with a sign around his neck that says, 'Foreshadowing' (actually he was wearing his Deathly Hollows medallion if I remember correctly, so he was literally wearing a sign that said foreshadowing around his neck).

I'm so glad we got to spend 30 seconds with this guy so we could really feel for him when his betrayal came, as opposed to it feeling like a rushed and anti-climactic sub-plot swept aside for more camping scenes.

            Speaking of the Deathly Hollows, this series doesn't have enough MacGuffins and Dues Ex Machina flying around that we had to throw in 2 more (I say two because the cloak was in an earlier film and is thus an established device).  Isn't it funny how a stone that brings back the dead wasn't mentioned when Dumbledore died, or how no one mentioned or thought twice about burying Dumbledore with the most powerful magical item on the planet?  Little irresponsible to leave that WMD sitting in an unguarded crypt when a terrorist is running around looking for weapons he can easily get his hands on.  Its like storing a nuke at the Gettysburg memorial with no guard.

"Hey, you think we should even bother to put one of those Dumbledore ghosts that are made out of dust so as to scare off grave robbers?"  "No, you kidding.  Let's use the same security my paper boy uses: put a big rock on top of the thing."

            So Lord V has taken over the ministry in a bloody coup... Nobody going to say or do anything about that?  Just gonna go on about your business?  People have to know what is going on, they create a secret police for dragging people off to mock trials and they change who is in charge of Hogwarts... To the guy who murdered the last headmaster.  Nobody has any objection to what is happening, which I could buy if Lord V wasn't a literal monster and instead a nice guy who had a point, but he has no point.  Lord V wants to cleanse the wizard community of those who had muggle parents, I was under the impression that he had a muggle parent?  So, why isn't anyone confronting him about this?  How is he able to just take control without other groups opposing him?  Where are all the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff members of this society who think it might be a good idea to keep their own liberty?  Where are the Slytherin members who don't want Lord V in control, are Snape and Black the only two?  Bleh...

            MacGuffin, MacGuffin, who's got the MacGuffin?  Sword?  Anybody got the magical sword?  How about the medallion that drives you paranoid?  I dislike immensely that much of what needs to happen falls on items that have not been identified or explained until this late in the game, it screams of being out of ideas and pulling stuff out an orifice.  Why did Ron have a vision of Harry and Hermione fucking when he opened the Horcrux?  If Harry knew he could open the locket by speaking in snake tongue why did they pointlessly blast the thing with their wands when they first got it... HOW DID THEY HAPPEN TO FIND THAT SWORD?  Bad, bad plotting.

This happens.  It isn't subtle.  And it makes no sense. Because if you are trying to get somebody not to destroy you, showing them a picture of a guy doing his girlfriend is only gonna piss him off.

See?  And he's got the MacGuffin Sword cocked any ready to rock.

            And... They're camping again.  Urgh.... Fine, while they have a random dancing scene I'll contemplate what my next blog will consist of.

Make me a sandwich.

I review "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows part 1" pt1

            Last fall the 7th movie in the highest grossing film franchise of all time came out, that movie was "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 1".  I didn't like the movie.  So I figured I would give a list of reasons why I dislike it, and maybe give a big reason why I dislike the Harry Potter universe as a whole.  But first, the good parts.

            I like the magical junk that pops up from time to time, like the fancy flashlight, and the tent and bag that are tesseracts, and maybe best of all... Wait, that was all the new gadgets.  Huh, bit of a let down.  I mean we've had plants that allow you to breath underwater and a map that shows where everyone in the building is all at once, and a mirror that shows your hearts desire.  But for the first half of the last installment we get two things (I'm counting the bag and tent together)?  That is kinda weak... Stay positive this is the good list.

            I also really like the animated portion of the movie, done in what looks to be stop motion it is a really cool looking part of the movie, and shows that perhaps this series should have just been animated to begin with rather than relying on child actors whose acting varies wildly in quality sometimes.  Thing is, the story made no sense, why was death offended by the wizards using magic to cross a river?  If a muggle mason had built a bridge would death have given him a cloak of invisibility?  I doubt it... Positive.  POSITIVE!

Anybody else frustrated that the most visually stimulating part of the film has none of the cast in it, and does not in any way advance the plot?

            The best thing in the movie I would wager is this: reverse witch trials.  The idea of taking people away and giving them a show trial before... Ethnically cleansing them?  What does happen to them?  Whatever, the idea is very cool and calls back to the Salem witch trials, HUAC, and most important modern anti-terrorism trials.  It is more clever, insightful, and apt than all the other movies put together.  It's in screen about 5 minutes, is poorly explained, poorly showcased, and is almost ignored compared to them hunting the fucking MacGuffin hanging around the neck of the judge (a character that is practically a fucking cameo)... You know what?  That is all the positive I had, so let me just hunker down and start conjuring up from the back of my phlegm choked sinuses some yellow-green goo to spit at this let down of a movie... And I can already tell this is going to be a multi part rant as this list I've got is freaking huge.

Umbridge, and excellent villains who has more personality than the rest of the bad guys put together.  What is more?  She actually doing evil things while wearing bright pink.  Her five minutes are better than all of Malfoy's scenes.

            Let's start off with something big that will get me some hate from fans of this mess: Bellatrix.  I have no real problem with the actress, Helena Bonham Carter, I have a little bit of a problem with the character, and a lot of problem with how she is used.  Here is a question, how does 'raging psychopath' translate into 'Slytherin'?  As far as I can tell, Slytherin is about having ambition, cunning, a streak of ruthlessness, and maybe an air of superiority dependent on how hard you lean on the 'pureblood' part of the equation.  How does Bellatrix embody any of this?  Moving past that, why does Malfoy let her in his house?  Lord V, sure, he's a snake-lich monster, but he is also the wizard equivalent of Magneto, you let him in cause he is the boss.  But Bellatrix seems like the type to get blood on the carpets.  She is a loose canon, I imagine that half her kills stem from boredom and a good number are friendly fire casualties, so why in the world is she sitting in on the planning meetings?  Just cut her loose.  Don't give her authority, just point her at your foe, and hope she kills a lot of them before one of them has the good sense to knock her dead.  You don't want her around in the peace time, rebellions will incite just to get rid of her.

Also, she is stone stupid.  Like, really, really stupid.

            Dobby.  Or as I like to call him, "The Jar Jar Binks of Harry Potter".  The single most annoying and dumb... and I mean dumb with a capital backwards 'B' character in the entire franchise.  His entire presence could have been cut with a handful of lines and the movie would have been faster and smarter for the effort.  And the thing that really irks me: he gets a mournful on camera funeral.  FUCK'N 'A' MAN!  Mad Eye Moody didn't get an on screen death!  Which is my next point.

There is not one moment this character exists in which I am not annoyed by his presence.  He is also stupid.  And worst of all, is given way too much heroic stunts in the last 5% of the movie, making the central cast look even more inept.

            Mad Eye, Snape, Luna, Lupin, Neville, and the rest of the great characters who are little more than cameos.  I know that there is a limit on how many characters you can have on screen, how much time can be spent with each, and that not everyone has a great deal of importance at this point in the story, but here is the thing, if a character is there just so fans of the book can get a nerd boner by remembering how that character happened to be in the same scene in the book, then that is a bad scene and a disservice to the character, especially when there are lots of crappy minor characters that could get cut to make room for these established and interesting entities.  Who the hell was that thief guy who hasn't been in any previous movie and was in a total of two scenes in this movie, who could have easily been subbed out with a more likable supporting role?  You know what?  Don't answer, I don't care, because you are already gearing up to tell me, "You should read the books, they are soooooo awesome in the books."  I don't want to read the books, I want to watch a good movie, and if a character can't be fully developed in a movie, then cut them and give more time and responsibility to another character.  The "Lord of the Rings" movies cut characters by the bus load for the sake of time and pacing, and those movies kick ass.  Which brings me to another point.

I am choosing not to put up a picture of Mad Eye, if the producers of the movie don't respect the character enough to, then I won't bother either.  Instead here is my favorite character from the movies, Luna, who gets even less time than Mad Eye in this movie.

            Pacing is totally fucked in this movie.  " Oh, this looks like a good spot to camp and be morose while plotting our next move."  Here is an idea: Get on WITH IT!  I know, and yet still do not care about the internal struggle that the stupid horcrux is causing Ron.  The actors aren't good enough to handle a subtle progression of mood and tension, and their collective inability to execute a plan of action when faced with a ticking clock that is driving them insane shows them to be very inept heroes.  What happened to the characters who played murderous chess to find a damn mirror in the first one?  Or who faced off against giant spiders and snakes?  Why are they just sitting around?  DO SOMETHING!

Hope this picture looks entertaining, cause this is a good representation of 40% of the film.

            Let me take a left turn to focus on some more nit picky complaints.  Why are all the villains in black like it is a uniform?  There is very little variation between their looks, and it comes of as lazy costume design; if they were trying to make them easy to identify as bad guys, that is lazy too, have them act and do evil, dressing evil is not interesting, it just makes the movie's coloring bland, and once again, the bright and colorful world of Hogwarts is sorely missed in these instances.

Umbridge is the only bad guy not wearing black.  BOOOORIIIING.

            Okay, time for a break, I'll continue this tomorrow, which is fine cause I have to go set up camp and talk about nothing for way too long.  I'd tell you about it in excruciating detail but I understand how boring listening to someone brood in a tent can be, so I'll let you off the hook in this instance.