5 Random Thoughts

            I had 5 random thoughts over the course of the last couple weeks and rather than just let them float away because I couldn’t work them into anything larger I figured I would just slap them down here to hammer at them a bit.  In order of complexity.

Idea Number 1: Talking about Marvel Movies

            Marvel should have made a “Thanos” movie before they did “Avengers: Infinity War”.  Aside from being a constant looming threat for years and clearly being super powerful from what is shown in the trailers and his reputation, Thanos as a character has not been explored.

The Description of "He is powerful and just... like... The Worst" can only take you so far.

            I am sure that “Infinity War” would be a perfect place to explore him as a character, but considering that movie will have something like 40 heroes and a half dozen supporting villains to Thanos, there is not going to be enough time.  While I am confident of the Russo Brothers abilities to make a fun and entertaining movie, I can also envision this movie being the latest to have a villain that is powerful, built up, and ultimately a let down (see Malakith and Ronan for Further examples).

            Besides, having a movie from the perspective of a bad guy trying to pull off the creation of a literal doomsday weapon is cool.  I even know how you could structure the movie’s acts.

Act one (maybe even the prologue) being Thanos taking the Reality stone from the Collector.  Act two he battles the Nova Corp and kills Glenn Close’s Nova Prime, taking the Power stone.  The final act he confronts a cosmic being, it could be Galactus, the Living Tribunal, or Eon.

The cosmic being attacks Thanos on a personal level, delving into WHY Thanos is after the gems, and revealing that the cosmic entity is able to see into Purple Puss so completely because they have the previously unseen Soul stone.  Thanos is then given the Soul stone, because the cosmic being knows what Thanos will accomplish with it (inevitable failure because of Thanos canonical inferiority complex, not telling the audience this, they will be left thinking that even the god like celestial being has abandoned the universe to its fate).

Then you could move into “Infinity War” with the three remaining stones, Mind, Time, and Space on Earth (or the Asgard refugee ship in the case of the Space stone).  “We have one advantage,” says Tony Stark.  “We have what he wants, and we know that he is coming for it.”

Idea Number 2: Another thing about Marvel Movies

            Recently Fox Studios, the company that owned the movie rights to both the X-Men and the Fantastic Four were bought up by Disney, who at this point has almost reunited all of the Marvel IP under one production house.

            This is cool/terrifying news as more quality movies will be made with characters and premises that I like by a company that is insanely rich, powerful, and loved.  All hail Disney?

            Regardless I would like to draw your attention to the movie poster for “Avengers: Infinity War”.

More specifically I want you to pay attention to the shape of the “A” and the fact that it is kind of shaped a lot like a “4”.

I probably could have put more work into that "4"... But then again, Fox Studios could have too.

Add to that Marvel moved up the release date of the movie from its original May release date to April… the 4^th month.  And when they did so, the move was described as “Fantastic”.

That’s a FANTASTIC idea! Done.

Avengers: #InfinityWar in theaters everywhere April 27th. pic.twitter.com/n5JhJWpnqc

— Marvel Studios (@MarvelStudios) March 1, 2018

This is super thin conspiracy theory stuff… It is also totally something Marvel would do, because NERDS.

I mean, it is not like they are re releasing the comic too.
With star writer Dan Slott fresh from his career defining work on Spiderman.
I don't make too many predictions, and they are often wrong.

Idea Number 3: A short little comedy sketch

My brother and I have great conversations. I can see why we are so popular.

"How do you even get to be the world's greatest mime?" I asked.

"He was able to sit in an invisible chair," said my brother. "While propping his feet up on an invisible ottoman."

            "He's magic," I said.

            "Unfortunately, he died tragically young," my brother continued. "Cancer from smoking all those invisible cigarettes."

            "Invisible cancer," I replied. "Very hard to treat."

            I told this to my other friend a bit later and he added, “I'd love to go pay my respects, but his headstone is so hard to find.”

This is perhaps the world's most evil mime.  Perhaps.

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Idea Number 4: Domestic Terrorism

The FBI cornered a cowardly domestic terrorist the other day and the asshole blew himself up. When asked about this, the terrorist’s neighbor said, "I'm hoping that it's all over. It's crazy to think he lived right down the street. This is a really quiet neighborhood, like one of the safest cities to live in and it's insane that this guy lived here."

            Maybe it is just my brief time in law enforcement, but I never understand when people say things like this.  Where do these people think terrorists like this live? The moon? The space between spaces? Des Moines?

Idea Number 5: Violence in Video Games

In case you hadn't heard, the White House posted a video showcasing "Video Game Violence".

This is a stupid thing to do for a number of reasons, but I will point to only two of them... because I find these two to be funny.

First issue, most of these clips (I haven’t counted and sourced them all, I am eyeballing this) come from a series called "Call of Duty" which is a game series depicting Warfare. Aside from it being an occasionally fun series and extremely popular, it also encapsulates a strange pick for saying "Video Games are Violent" because the thesis statement of the whole series could boil down to "War is violent, GUNS are violent".

Second and sillier thing, one of the most notorious missions in the ENTIRE "Call of Duty" series is a mission called "No Russian", which is (of course) featured in the video.  In this mission an American operative is framed for a terrorist attack on a Russian airport.

So, and here is the funny part, Even President Trump's bone headed references to an industry he does not understand CONTAINS TIES TO RUSSIA.

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Dungeons and Dragons, "Steel City"

            I have previously written about how orcs are different in my campaign world.  That their culture is most defined by their belief in a single God that created the universe, and who is a cruel tormentor of the mortal races that the orcs wish death upon.

As that entry proved to be rather popular I decided to do a sequel to it to emphasize other aspects of orc culture.  This entry, however, is heavily inspired by the play style of one of my players, who liked the Maltheistic religion of the orcs, and a couple other elements of the lore in my world, so he integrated himself into it rather nicely.  He then proceeded to be the team’s Hulk, a fun character that had certain traits start to boil up to the surface.

Before long I wanted to do a series of adventures based around each of the characters in the party, the dashing swordsman learned who his real father is, the druid resettled her people who had been displaced by war, and Jif the Thousand Faced Hero, Slayer of the Leviathan, the Sixth Finger, King of all Orcs got his turn.

To help me make the adventure more about him he gave me some of his personal history and I then used how he played his character to extrapolate a culture from it.  Here is the history of Ugmund Ka, also known to the world as “Steel City”.

The Grey Devils

            The company known as the Grey Devils, was the power behind the throne in the orc city of Ugmud Ka, or as it is commonly known to outsiders, “Steel City”.  Pressing the orc population into a state of wage slavery, they built a trade empire emulating the style of the Coal Dwarves, mass producing cheap and interchangeable goods.

            While they could never match the market share of the Coal Dwarves they did grow wealthy off the exploitation of the orcs.

            Strangely, the Grey Devils are in many ways responsible for the second most defining feature of Orc culture on the continent, their shockingly over the top self-aggrandizing.  For decades the Grey Devils built an entire social order around the idea of bragging of one’s own accomplishments and personal honor… While sitting on top of that social order and allowing no social mobility what so ever.

Every Orc was the absolute best wage slave ever and would compete to produce more product than their coworkers, even as they were all paid the same hourly wage.

Xoruk

            When the legendary Orc craftsman, and now secular saint, Xoruk, discovered what has now been dubbed “The Riddle of Steel” allowing for the highest quality of steel manufacturing currently known, the Grey Devil’s social order turned against them.

Orcs previously taking pride in how many cheap swords they could quickly hammer out instead shifted back to emphasizing personal touches and craftsmanship.  Now that their weapons were made to last they needed to look good enough that people would want them around for much longer.

The Legacy of Xoruk and the Grey Devils

            The Devils were never able to unravel the Riddle of Steel.  Shortly after its discovery they faced a worker uprising and were forced out of the city by their own social order.  Orcs in a constant state of trying to out do one another pushed product quality to new heights and Orcs who were not craftsmen were now able to fan out as warriors with fantastic weapons.

            New crusades against mad cults and divine influences were stamped out and as those deeds spread so did the commercial opportunities.  Endorsements from Orcs like Randal the Savage, Pompous, and Macho sold more and more weapons but also an image of orc culture that was powerful, flashy, and loud.

            This has also given rise to a new Orc “Government”.  1-part meritocracy, 1-part carnival, and 2-parts caste system, Orcs everywhere participate to make the best stuff, tell the best stories, daring the best do, and generally being the best around, allowing no one to ever bring them down.  The mightiest warriors and the best craftsmen formed twisting alliances pointing to each other’s great works and endorsements as evidence of each other’s greatness.

 

"Yeah...."

The State of Things

            The Coal Dwarves have declared war on the city of Ugmud Ka.  Presumably this is to either learn the Riddle of Steel, or to simply destroy the city in hopes of rubbing out the competition in the manufacturing business.

            The Coal Dwarves are utilizing an army of crystal-men, marching out of their mountain fortresses and firing (an admittedly beautiful) barrage of lasers.

Inspirations and Uses

            As you can see, creating an entire culture of warriors that dress flamboyantly and never stop talking about how awesome they are could only resemble one thing, Professional Wrestling.  I also threw in some Karate Kid and Conan the Barbarian, because Jif was also a gladiator/barbarian and those fit well.

Making Jif into the reluctant face in a story was an interesting turn.  He had previously been a gladiator and right-hand hatchet man to a leader in the campaign.  Now he was being called out by another orc with a laundry list of titles and accomplishments to complete a heroic quest and be crowned High King.

            Andre, Hogan, and Duggen showed up at Jif’s door and told him that he was to gather up a team of adventurers (the party), go into the heart of the Coal Dwarves territory, and somehow defeat the invaders and their magical foes.  All the while an unseen rival orc was gathering up resources to commit the deed and claim the title himself.

"No one in this world can you trust..."

Conclusion

            This is a great example of how a player can give a DM a huge amount of material and together can create something new and fun.  He developed the names of the city, the Grey Devils, and Xoruk.  He came up with the ideas of the orcs making the best materials.  And thru his play style presented a race that is obsessed with titles and honors and not afraid to walk around wearing a garish magic crown that everyone just shrugs and says, “sure he is wearing that, he is an orc gladiator.”

            If you are a DM, don’t be afraid to let your players give you write ups for cities and cultures.  In fact, leave space on the map (or just off the map) for all this stuff to go.  Then add spins to them based on whether you think your player should be typical or oddball in his own culture or place of origin.  It adds a dimension to the creative process, and also saves the DM from having to build the ENTIRE world.

Other stuff

            I asked, and my player doesn’t have a twitter or blog to follow, but feel free to compliment him in the comments.

If you want to read more stuff by me, this week has been a good cross sample of the stuff I do on this blog.  I wrote a book review for the book “Ready Player One”, I wrote two quick movie reviews for “It” and “Blade Runner 2049”, and I did a re-write of a poem.  If you want more DnD stuff, I also continued on my rather ancient quest to write a character for every class/background combo in the Players’ Handbook.

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"Ready Player One" Book Review

Book Details

            “Ready Player One” is the inexplicable success from Earnest Cline.  Described as “Harry Potter for adults” mixed with “Willy Wonka” to the detriment of each of those stories, RP1 follows Wade, a poor orphan whose obsessive memorization of 1980’s cultural flotsam allows him to win a video game contest making him the richest person in the world.

            Along the way Wade recites things without wit or depth and acts like a creep.  This story makes the “Big Bang Theory” look like a high art love letter to intellectualism.

 

"Novel"

Review in Short

This is the first book I ever got a refund on for being so bad I not only disliked it but frequently said, "fuck off" while reading it.

Compliments?

None.

Honestly, to me, this thing has no redeeming features.

I gave it a long time to get to the good parts I assumed must be in there based on its popularity. They never showed up.

Complaints?

            “Ready Player One” is what people claim to hate about “Family Guy”.  It is hollow references to things you like, and the reference to something you know makes you laugh, not because it is funny, but because the familiarity of it gives your brain a pleasant tickle.  It is the same reason children like “Blue’s Clues” having seen an episode a thousand times, they feel a sense of familiarity with the material and that makes them feel happy and safe.

            There are whole pages just listing movies and authors without insight or commentary.  What do I mean by “insight or commentary”?  What I mean to say is, when the author points to something, it is to say it is there, in the same way a tiny child points at a cow and says, “cow” and then will point to a barn and say, “cow” because he is not entirely clear what the word “cow” refers to but both of those things are in the picture book and one of them has to be it.

            That cow/barn thing was a joke, there aren’t any of those in “Ready Player One”.  Like I said, the book will point out something, but its significance to the character is skin deep.  The main character, Wade is shockingly well read and has seen dozens of movies but has the flattest personality of any protagonist in literary history.  It is hard to describe how boring he is.

            I am, in many ways, a traditional style nerd.  I have read a lot of comics, I play Dungeons and Dragons, and have read a lot of fantasy and science fiction books.  I have been around a lot of traditional style geeks in my life, and let me tell you something, NOTHING IS DULLER than listening to a nerd just tell you “of” his hobby.  Not “about” his hobby, “OF” his hobby.

            I respect that even if I do not understand the appeal of something, I like when my friends who are into it explain to me what it means to them.  WHAT IT IS ABOUT.  When my friend Amber (who designed my blog logo) told me that the anime “Made in Abyss” had left her emotionally wrecked and recommended it, I started watching it.  And when I made recommendations of it to other people I made sure to give them a quick synopsis of what I liked, “beautiful world that seems fun to explore, deep mythology, creative and intriguing concepts” (to keep it short).

 

It does have a bit of Japanese weirdness in it, but just enough to make you ask, "Why did they put that in there?"

            See how I just told you about a thing, what it meant to someone I know, and what I liked about it?  I can do that with other things.  I even make lists of things I like and take time to explain why I like them.  I put my thoughts out there for other people to reflect on and learn from.

            “READY PLAYER ONE” DOESN’T FUCKING DO ANY OF THAT!  It just lists things.  What they mean to people, what learning about them taught people, the emotional impact, the creative drives behind them, NONE OF THAT IS THERE.  It tells you “OF” its hobbies.  And its hobbies seem to consist of “knowing” about things, instead of “caring” about things.  The difference between quoting religious scripture (“of”) and being a good person (“about”).

Last year, when a white nationalist rally broke out into violence in Charlottesville I felt like shit.  I hated that the world was getting visibly worse as I looked on.  And when I wanted to talk about how I felt about the situation I talked about the cartoons and shows I watched as a kid and how they shaped me to care about other people and to value the differences that make us individuals.  I used pop culture as a lens to illuminate to my readers what I was feeling and why.

“Ready Player One” doesn’t do that.  And I am not sure if the author would even know how to do that.

The book is fucking boring.  There is an entire chapter in which the history of the “Sword Quest” video game series is explained.  This is foreshadowing for the rest of the book in which playing the game yields real loot.  It is the driest, most basic presentation of the information possible short of just straight reading the Wikipedia article.  I actually knew everything he talked about because I had watched a FUNNY mini-documentary by the Angry Video Game Nerd years prior… Except his documentary went into more detail and was fun to watch.

Couple More Complaints.

The writing is also bad on a technical level.  Unnecessary bits of explanation for things that do not need to be explained.  Sentences that lift right out for providing no useful information are fucking everywhere.  At one point he explains what a ticket is for.

The book is also creepy, like the character's behavior towards women comes off as the most hover-handing, "But you're a g-g-g-girl" dipshit personality I have seen in ages.  It is gross.

What is more I kind of thought that creepiness was just me reading it into the character, but NOPE, that shit is baked in.  Turns out the author wrote a poem… called “Nerd Porn Auteur” about how pornography with the kinds of women he likes aren’t popular.  It is the most MRA garbage thing I have read.  I would write something like this to MOCK twerps like this.

 

Hey look.  A pop culture reference that ties into what I am talking about.

One Last Thing

All this being said, I have a hard time believing the movie (which is what prompted me to try and fail to get thru this thing) could be anything other than an improvement on “Ready Player One”.  The film will be able to show everything the book listed, and a .1 second glance of something while the narrative keeps moving is better than stopping the narrative dead for pages at a time to read a list or Wikipedia entry at the audience.

Beyond that, Steven Spielberg is probably the best director ever.  He has worked on projects of every stripe and has managed to make the material resonate.  I mean, if I hadn’t tried the book the trailer would have sold me in an instant, not because of all the references, but because EDITING IS MAGICAL.  The pace that they keep up, the tone they are putting out there, the punch of it, feels like something.  I think Steven could wring something out of this.

"It's bad to kill. Guns kill. And you don't have to be a gun. You are what you choose to be. You choose. Choose."
-Hogarth Hughes, "The Iron Giant"

Or Steven could totally miss the point.  That is possible.  The idea that the material is presented skin deep, an image without thought or depth is rather consistent with internet culture.  Millions of vain entitled assholes who coopt an image from pop culture that they like but seem to have no understanding of.

Monstrous little cretins that wear the skin of cartoon heroes because “they’re totally badass” without giving a thought to what the stories that made those characters great were about.

Last Words

I felt insulted reading this.

Maybe the movie won’t suck.

For Some More Discussion

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Reviews for "It" and "Blade Runner 2049"

Stephen King’s "It" (2017)

I have talked about this movie a little bit in the context of other things, but I figured I can give another short review here.

This movie is great.  Well-paced, good visuals, and great acting.  “It” hits on its themes of sticking together and growing up really well.  I look forward to the sequel.

 

My mom saw a random flash of this thing as part of a movie montage and it spooked her.
Mission accomplished boys.

If I have one suggestion, they should have collapsed the characters of Ben and Mike.  There wasn’t enough time for 7 protagonists and looking over the cast and knowing where the story goes in the next movie, combining Ben and Mike into just Mike would have allowed the characters to have more time.

They kind of already did, apparently Mike was the history nerd in the book, not Ben.  What is more, the burning body imagery is used for both of them, making the image kind of redundant.  I also think that Mike getting cut up by the bullies would also work to collapse the narrative a bit earlier and allow for the full group to be together for longer.  This would also allow some more time to be spent on Stanley, who I think gets the shortest end of the stick.

 

Mike is also a rather heroic character, fighting and defeating Henry Bowers in a tense scene.
I think the conflict with Bowers (AND THE RACE THING) should have gotten a bit more attention.

You know, I recall this common complaint by people saying, "why don't they tell each other about the clown? I would be telling everyone!"

Leaving aside the allegory of stranger-danger and child abuse... Listen assholes, people have a hard time talking about their mental health because it is super stigmatized. Do you think they are going to tell people they have been seeing a clown and shit?

To quote a popular song about suicide prevention I talked a bit about before, "Who can relate?! Woo!"

“Blade Runner 2049” (2017)

            If this movie had been shorter (and let’s not kid ourselves, it could have been shorter) it would be one of my favorite movies ever.  “2049” is SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL.  I consider the original SUPER overrated.

            If I do have a criticism about something other than the length, I don’t get the bad guy, Jared Leto’s plan.  He wants replicants that can reproduce so that he can make them faster to meet market demand?  Okay.  But how is breeding possibly faster than the 3D printer model they are currently using?  Even if the 9-month gestation period is not an issue, you still end up with a baby at the end of that, not a fully-grown worker.

Basic visual metaphor: Have the guy with a twisted mindset have weird eyes.
Because his way of seeing the world is off.

Does it take longer than a decade to grow a full size replicant?  Even if it doesn’t, I have to imagine the memory programming cuts their training time by swaths.

In summation, the plan makes no sense.

Random complaints, the opening text to set the scene is too god damn small and has poor color contrast to the dark background.  That is a fail.  This movie comes off as strangely misogynistic at times, and I am not sure if that is a theme, it is punctuated with a particular supporting character’s death that I did not care for.  I think that these filmmakers have no actual memories of the original “Blade Runner” if they can describe Harrison Ford’s character as being good at his job without irony; Decker sucked, and to say otherwise is delusional.

It's not not-misogynistic.  You know, like the real world.

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Poem, "The Truer Pantheism"

I did another rewrite of poetry.  This time it is much less intensive, just striping out gendered pronouns, and using slightly less archaic "Tho's".  This is taken from Lord Tennyson's "The Higher Pantheism", which I kind of think myself clever for the minor alterations.

The Truer Pantheism

The sun, the moon, the stars, the seas, the hills, the plains,

Are these not, the Soul, the Vision of They who reigns?

Is not the Vision They, though They be not that which They seem?

Dreams feel true while they last, do we not live in a dream?

Earth, the open sky, the weight of body and limb,

Are those not sign and symbol of our division from Them?

Dark is the world to you; truly you’re the reason why,

For are They not all but you, that hast power to feel "I am I"?

Glory about us, without us; and you fulfill your doom,

Making Them broken gleams, a stifled glory, leaving gloom.

Speak to Them, now, for They hear, and Spirit with Spirit can meet

Deeper are They than breathing, and nearer than hands and feet.

It is law, say the wise; speak free, and let us rejoice,

For when They thunder by law the thunder is yet Their voice.

Law is Divine, say some; not Divine at all, says the fool,

For all we can see with our eyes is a straight staff bent in a pool;

The ear cannot hear, and the eye cannot see;

But if we could see and hear, this Vision, would it not Be?

Here is a related image from Neo-Paganism.com.

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Dungeons and Dragons, "Character Ideas" episode 4

Ideas for Future Characters

            A while back I wrote up some short biographies for characters I thought about using in a 5^th edition game of Dungeons and Dragons.  While I ended up using only one of them and have since moved on to running a game rather than playing in one.  However, and let’s be honest here, the most fun there is in Dungeons and Dragons is making a character.

            Since I like doing it, I figured I would make a chart in Excel and start checking off class/background combinations, by the end of this writing exercise I will have 156-character ideas.  I have decided not to include races, sub races, sub classes, or the backgrounds from supplemental materials.  Just the Players Handbook… FOR NOW.

            For fun, I will also give a numerical rating for whether I think something is “Interesting”.  There are characters that are so common as to be arch typical or even cliché, but maybe there is a reason they are so common, because they are just that intriguing.  Feel free to disagree or offer your own suggestions and objections in the comments.

            If you would like to share some of your own unused character ideas, do so in the comments, maybe use this format (maybe get it to catch on, I like its simplicity) and try and keep to a shorter length, you don’t want people to “tldr” your stuff.

            One more thing worth mentioning, I will make an effort to include a variety of different fantasy races in my character creation.  I have written before that I could run an entire fantasy world with just humans and see most fantasy races as too bland to be seen as meaningfully different from humanity (elves, to me, are too often played as just tall humans with pointy ears).  I also know that this is not an opinion shared by most and I want to try and expand my own horizons.

What Have I Got?

            I recommend as a DM, that if you have the luxury of having your players making characters as a group, picking a theme of 1-5 words to serve as an inspiration seems like a good idea.

            That being said, there is no theme for this one.  I guess you could say, “Disconnected” because each of these three characters has broken away from the world they knew to pursue something to various levels.

            I was also going to have 4 characters originally, each with a name starting with the letters “A, B, C, and D”.  I dropped that because this entry is stupidly long at three entries.  Ironic because I started this project to make quick entries with a fast turnaround.  HA!

 

This guy, Will O'Brien's DeviantArt Account is a great collection for potential character portraits.

Name: Gaby Apple

Class: Sorcerer

Race: Halfling (Lightfoot)

Background: Urchin

History: I don’t know how old I am.  That is perhaps something most people take for granted.  I’ve met other people who don’t know how old they are, who grew up in places like I did, in the ways I did.  I think sometimes about how I was allowed to run thru the orchards of my hometown.  About how many farmers just saw me as the lost little girl that nobody knew where she came from.  The little girl that got their pity and generosity, but not their love.

I guess I was lucky for that at least.

Goals: The dream was how it started out.  I am walking between the trees on a clear and cool day.  I start to float.  Gently off the ground like a bubble.  Then I woke up, and I was drifting above the trees in the orchard I had fallen asleep in.

            I don’t know how I do this.  I don’t even know how to learn about it.  I just know that when I am floating it feels right.  Like I am supposed to be there, whether it is butterflies of glass fluttering around me reflecting light like a church window.  Or the flickering of my skin changing colors.  I float, and the magic floats with me.

Methods: This is the Wild Magic path for the Sorcerer, I would place an emphasis on magic that allows the character to move in a manner like floating (levitation, expeditious retreat), be colorful (color spray, mirror image), and things that can be conceptualized as looking like soap bubbles (acid splash, hypnotic pattern).

This is a character named "Apple" from a movie I liked.

Rating: 2/5

            Let’s not mince words, sorcerer and urchin go together like bread sticks and a sauce you dip breadsticks in.  The basic premise of, “I got mysterious superpowers and my family abandoned me” is most of X-Men and a good bit of mythology/folklore.

Much like the combo of Outlander/Barbarian from my last entry, the difficulty here is making the combo not just boilerplate and trite.  I think I failed a bit on that one.  The goals are, “learn more about my magic powers” which is the minimum.  Though I like the visual metaphor of a girl without a family floating, she is unmoored, and the wild magic element allows her to be something, literally unexpectable.

I should point on this character is sort of based on the kid sidekick character I put into my very short run of fantasy chapters I put on this blog (that entry being kind of standalone and readable as a short story).

I also like the name “Apple” which I liked hearing in the movie “Turbo Kid,” a film that is far too good for this world.

This image is huge and part of a set of clips used for film making.

Name: Donny the Courier

Class: Paladin

Race: Human

Background: Soldier

History: From what I can tell, I was older when I got the message than most of my order ever made it to be.  Now I am older still.

I remember when I first joined the army.  I was fishing along a creek when the army started walking by.  Thump, thump, thump, their boots clomped down the gravel road.  Dust in the air and not one damn fish had bitten.  They told me there was a war on, that killers were coming and had already burned Baron Coy’s lands.  They handed me a spear, a leather jerkin, and strapped a helmet to my head.  I was off.  Never did get that fishing pole back.

I didn’t go home again.  I lived thru the first battle, and we chased them into the woods.  Each battle I got a new bit of armor, a shield, a hammer, then the hammer got dropped for a sword.  I got a crossbow and learned to ride a horse.  Before I had noticed it had been months, then years.  We had hunted men, then hunted wolves; we built bridges, then when built siege engines and took them over the bridges.  I have been a soldier my whole life and I still couldn’t tell you the reason why I never just went back home to finish fishing.

Goals: It was on a cold morning when I walked out of camp to catch birds for lunch that I found the message.  Found him?  Found her?  Found the bones.  They was in a breast plate and had a sword, and alongside it was a messengers’ tube.  I read it of course, and all it said was, “Protect the weak, promote the peace, guard yourself.  Do not protect a weak leader, do not bear an unjust peace, do not guard against the truth.”  I took it all as a sign, didn’t know what else to do with it.  Had to be for me, right?

I took the message, took the equipment, buried the bones, and left.

Methods: I would suggest using the rules for the “Oath of Devotion” but substituting the words found in the message case, “Protect the weak, promote the peace, guard yourself.  Do not protect a weak leader, do not bear an unjust peace, do not guard against the truth” for the usual Oath.  I would also rename the Oath to, “Oath of the Message”.

            I always find it a bit strange to make low level characters with the background of “soldier”, so I interpret Donny as getting older, falling out of practice with fighting in favor of being more the diplomatic and peace seeking type.  It is his hesitancy to use force that keeps him from being a ruthless effective combatant, but as he grows more practiced with staying his hand or following thru in a role where he has to use his own judgement rather than relying on orders, then his attacks become surer.

His lack of hit points are explained by his age, but the magical nature of faith making him more durable as he grows in level balances out that roleplaying contrast.

Rating: 4/5

            My big problem here is much like Apple, a lack of goal.  Getting away from a life of war and instead trying to be something outside the role of a soldier is a vague goal, but it lacks the strong (albeit cliché), “getting revenge on…”

            I think that seeking the origin of the paladin’s bones that he found and put him on his quest would help a lot.  Finding a tomb where the Message from the courier tube is written on the walls or on a shield and hinting that a long-lost order of knights is a cool idea.  Maybe the order needs to be founded again, and if Donny brings the message to those who need to hear it… Okay, I am liking this a bit more.

            This would also allow the DM to introduce good NPC’s that want to help the players but are not cut out for adventuring, Donny could then teach them a few things about fighting, teach them the code, and then maybe give them some common armor and weapons from the loot retrieved while on the adventure.  Creating a loose and rough around the edges order of would-be knights.  It would also allow the campaign setting to change in a meaningful way.  With nameless NPC’s recognizing the good deeds of Donny’s students.

And considering I got the name “Donny” from “Don Quixote” that feels right.

Some stories feel spiritual in nature.

            On the other end, the idea that the army he used to serve in might have suffered a shattering defeat and now Donny has to deal with learning about his old friends being dead or lost.  On the opposite end, the military he was in turning much eviler and Donny having to fight against them to hold to his new moral compass as they start striking out at innocent targets.

            Okay, I’ve talked myself into liking this character a lot.

 

I don't know what this image is from, or how ripped and eyes glowing I would make Bernie, but maybe at higher levels...

Name: Bernard “Bernie” Estaria

Class: Warlock (Fiendish)

Race: Half Elf

Background: Noble

History: When I was young I was seen as just some silly child.  I spent all my time reading adventure books, playing ring toss games, and sneaking out to play in the woods.

One year there was a sudden blizzard in early harvest season, I got caught in it while out hunting with my cousins.  Riley died, but Kenneth and I made it back home.  For days the snow was either falling or the world was silent as the grave.

It was then that I got sick.  Saw the visions.

She was so beautiful.  She told me stories while holding me.  She kept me warm.

I woke up when she said, “Come find me.”

I learned later that the snow was the work of some monster or demon that a group of Adventurers managed to defeat with the help of the Rod of Seven Parts, hence the wind and cold.  Even as life returned to normal, aside from the near famine from all the crops ruined by the cold, I lingered on my visions.

I had to find her.

I took to prayer, hoping the gods could lend me some kind of help.  I changed my reading habits to those of great women from history, myth, and distant lands trying to see if they felt like her.  None of them did.

It took me months of sulking and melancholy, my family thought I felt guilty about Riley dying in the storm… and I did feel bad about that, but it was for the woman in my dreams that I couldn’t shake my mood.

It was a year after the sickness that heard her voice again.  It was an echo from deep in the wellhouse.  It said, “Come find me.”

"Come find me..."

Goals: I am going into the Underdark to find her.  She is already helping me.

Methods: This is left totally open for picks of patron, though I tend to default to Fey, when I play this later today I plan to make it a Demon because the DM is running “Out of the Abyss” and I would like this guy to start out in the Dungeon having gone into the Underdark looking for the Woman of his Dreams.  I think that the reveal that she is actually a demon (the DM can pick which one fits my character and the story best) that has been pulling him down to help them escape.

Rating: 5/5

            This is the dozenth time I have played this sort of character, I wrote about previous instances of Kimble and Malachite, but this is the first time I have put this sort of tragic edge to it.  Positioning the character as in love with an idea, that love giving him drive to attain power, and ultimately that love being aimed at totally the wrong type of person makes sense.

            I also think the idea of someone giving up nobility for a life of adventure and the woman that they love is the best kind of romantic ideal.  One that we look up to even when Nazi sympathizers like Edward VIII do it.

            The part about the Rod of Seven Parts and the blizzard can be swapped for any supernatural catastrophe that a previous module brought about but was thwarted by player characters.  It is a place holder, and if your DM is not running a module like mine is, then it might serve as a hint to the DM by the player to maybe throw one of those rod parts into the mix, give the campaign something to quest for if he ever feels like, “I am unsure where to go from here.”  A side gig that still feels important.  I have been in that position before, using my players as a source of inspiration has led to several cool adventures.

            I made him a Half Elf, because I have an additional idea to make him think that his darker complexion is because of elven heritage with Summer/Wild/Wood Elves (which I have talked about before in the context of my “Painted Elves”), but it might be revealed dramatically that he is actually part Drow.  SHOCKING!  Or not.

            The inspiration of the Wellhouse element came from the Graphic Novel series “Locke and Key” by Joe Hill.  A series I cannot recommend enough as it is gloriously imaginative and unflinching in its brutal and often times scary content.

 

Seriously, I think it is all done now and collected in some great looking trades.

Outro

            What do you all think?  Do you have a request for a class/background combo?  Did you play one of the combos I have featured and want to share your spin on it?  Post in the comments.

Listed below are the past episodes of this blog for your reading pleasure.  If you want to read more Dungeons and Dragons stuff from me, here is a 3-part diatribe on the Celestial Warlock from “Xanathar’s Guide to Everything” (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3).

If you want to read about my world’s version of Orcs (I am giving this a sequel soon), my Dwarves, or my Kobolds.

Otherwise, Have Fun.

Episode 0

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

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