My Favorite Music of 2017

It is the Grammys, so I wrote a blog on the music I liked in 2017.

            I don’t listen to a lot of music.  I have the Pandora app which I utilize for a solid 5-12 hours a month (I am more of an audio book guy), and regardless all of the stations I listen to trend in two directions depending on starting point.

If it is post-1990 it trends toward The Black Keys (which is odd, as I own none of their music).  If it is pre-1990 it all gravitates toward Blue Oyster Cult (less odd, I grew up as a classic rock guy).  There are of course times when I take deliberate sidetracks into Michael Jackson style pop, but I think that is because he is the star in the center of that pre/post 1990 split.

It is a "Pop Star".

I don’t drive much and the radio in there is often just plugged into… again audio books.  My contact with I Hart Radio (the death rattle of culture set to a steady rhythm) is limited.  As such, the only time I really listen to pop music is on youtube when I am at work.

            I often fall into tasks that require too much focus for me to simultaneously listen to a book, but are boring enough that if I did not have some other stimulation… I would probably walk myself into traffic…  Who can relate?

            SO!  Youtube....

Decided to slap together a short list of songs I liked last year.  I tried to pull only from songs that came out in 2017, though not all of them are hits I am sure you have heard a few and… liked them?  I don’t know.  Feel free to say that I focus too much on populist tripe.  I do.

            In no particular order, here are some songs I liked.

“Praying” and “Rainbow” by Kesha

            Let’s continue with two songs that kind of make me feel sad when I listen.  This is because of the ridiculous and unpleasant air that swirls around them at all times.  At least, it has a bad air if you know anything about the life and times of its creator.

            Kesha, even when she created the kayfabe esc character of the brain-dead party girl to play some cosmic bit of performance art on the world has always been operating on another level.  It was clear she had the mind that was able to shift and evolve as music shifted to something new.  It was only a matter of time before she changed from party music to something deeper and richer.

            REALLY wish she did not have to suffer a massive criminal victimization and lengthy legal battle in her life, but it is NOT AT ALL HARD TO SEE those events having an impact on her work and artistic voice.  I am a firm believer in this quote by John Green, “I don’t subscribe to the notion that suffering is somehow ennobling; it sucks.”

            It sucks that Kesha went thru what she went thru.  I hope that the sentiment of these songs, that she is moving on to make art and healing, is a legitimate sentiment and not a brave front.

“Obsession” by Ok Go

            And to dramatically shift tone away from sexual battery… Because this was supposed to be a fun blog about pop music…  Let’s talk about a band that I kind of have nostalgia for.

Ok Go won a Grammy for “Here it Goes Again” back in 2007, the year I graduated from under grad.  I recall walking to Target to buy that CD, and I think a season of “Justice League Unlimited” on DVD.  Probably different days.

            Regardless of the Justice League’s involvement, I listened to that album a thousand times and still from time to time drop into the world of Ok Go to watch their latest music video… ALL OF WHICH ARE GOD DAMNED MASTERPEICES.  “Obsession” carries on that trend.

“Hard Times” by Paramore

            To mix discussions of Kesha evolving and Ok Go nostalgia.

I am kind of nostalgic for Paramore.  They were always on the fringe of my awareness.  I think I confused them with Evanescence strangely enough.  But when I look back at their stuff it is hard to look at “crushcrushcrush” or “That’s What You Get” and say it is from the same band as “Hard Times”.  Their older stuff feels more angry and full of bravado, while “Hard Times” sounds floating and upbeat.

“Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man

            For much the same reasons I have been listening to Bruno Mars’ music bringing a retro-funk feel to the world of pop music, “Feel it Still” flat out name checks the era of rebellious music it is channeling.  I can grove to this song, it makes me want to walk rhythmically down a hall while twirling a cane.

“Whatever it Takes” by Imagine Dragons

            Most of the songs by Imagine Dragons were kind of pointless and thudding this last year.  That while I initially liked them they quickly wore out the welcome.  “Whatever it Takes” does not have that deficiency.  It starts with a gentle floating instrumental, then hard cuts into a racing delivery of lyrics, before building momentum, and a chorus that hits triumphantly.

            Some songs pull and push images in my mind and often times when I find myself creating my own montage to the music I feel that it worked.

“Bad at Love” by Halsey

            I like Halsey.  Especially when she wails like she does in this.  The idea that the woman in this had relationships with both men and women and they ended for a myriad of reasons makes for a good little story/reminiscing song.  It is not so much the character is bad at love, it is that she fell for people that it did not work out with.  That isn’t bad at love, that is bad at… picking targets?

“The Story of OJ” by JAY-Z

            I am not a hip hop guy and I think that the music video sold this song to my white-guy sensibilities more than the song on its own.  BUT!  Let me emphasize that while I am not going to listen to this song for fun, I do feel that it has pushed a good bit of personal reflection on race and my place in it.  I admire Jay-Z as a guy who very much is the American Dream, starting from a low point and is now a king of his industry, artist and businessman.

            I would not have taken as much to this song without watching this review by the Rap Critic, a youtuber who did a detailed run down of the content and also links to reviews of the old style cartoons the music video uses as a reference for what it is presenting.

 “Castle on the Hill” by Ed Sheeran

            This is his best song.  It is perhaps the best song about nostalgia I have heard in a long time.  It is an earnest reminiscing about a time in one’s life that started a trajectory.  It feels real, and whether that is because it comes from a real and true place in Ed’s life, or he is just that gifted a performer, I do not know.

I have found myself rather nostalgic, not for when I was a teen/kid, but instead for recent history, seeing the multitude of little failings, little shortfalls that ate up so much time and so much effort and wanting to return to those moments, not wishing I could change them, but to grant myself peace over those mistakes, that I have felt guilt enough, that I should be allowed to move on.

“New Rules” by Dua Lipa

            Maybe it is just me, but I think that most of music is about the positive aspects of being in a relationship and the worst aspects of a relationship falling apart.  The old expression, “You know you are in love when all the songs on the radio start to make sense”.

            But I think “New Rules” is a place I haven’t heard a catchy tune to before.  A person trying to get out of a relationship that is destructive, and it requires an act of will.  Bad relationships can still be fun, fulfilling, or just hot.  There are reasons people stay in those relationships and get back into them once out.  A song about making yourself stay out by recognizing the pattern you fall into and trying to break it… that is interesting.

“Chained to the Rhythm” by Katy Perry

            This is a strange song that seems to be about how deadening to the senses pop culture (and really all of Americana culture) can be.  The music video is explicitly about that and illustrates it thru a variety of cute visuals.  I find this song strangely catchy, and I suppose that irony pushes it up a notch for me.

            I liked her other single “Bon Appetit” too, but as it is her second song that is a protracted metaphor about sex and is not nearly as good as “Birthday” so I am not giving it its own call out.

“Beautiful Trauma” by Pink

            One day I may get tired of this one type of song Pink has been releasing for the last decade.  I doubt it though, as she keeps putting a fresh spin and presentation on the ideas presented in it.  I like her.  I have never been the type of guy who gets celebrity crushes, but I find Pink to be super attractive, her look, her vibe, the fact that she clearly has lived an interesting personal history that she has grown thru and from.

            I also just find eclectic short hair on women attractive (to tie this in with Katy Perry and Halsey above).

“1-800-273-8255” by Logic ft. Alessia Cara and Khalid

            I feel that the topic of self-destructive behavior and the idea that death is an escape needs to be addressed.  This song got a lot of play and while it is not the only song to deal with such a topic, and it is by no means a perfect song (Who can relate!? WOO!)  I feel that it has a haunting quality that makes the subject matter stick harder.

            Even the “WOO!” has a kind of layer to it.  Let me slow down and decompress that “WOO!” to illustrate all the subtext: “WOoooo I can only explore the topic of depression and feelings of hopelessness paving the way to my self-annihilation thru veils of irony because the stigma against suicidal thoughts is so ingrained in our culture that it contributes to the feeling of being trapped and death being a reasonable outlet oooooOOOOO!”

            There is a lot being said in that “WOO!”

“Heavy” by Linkin Park, featuring Kiiara

            Let’s end this light-hearted exploration of pop music from 2017 by keeping on track and talking about suicide.  Chester Bennington took his own life last year and it affected me more than I had anticipated.  While Linkin Park’s music had always had a dire element to it, I felt that was something that was to be overcome.  To fight back against.

            It is impossible to look at the ultimate fate of Chester Bennington without that event retroactively contextualizing the entire discography of Linkin Park.  Every instance of unbearable pain; lasting anguish; anger being thrown in all directions; and the ever-present sense of departure, divestment, and letting go.  All of these things are tied into songs like “What I’ve Done”, “Breaking the Habit”, or “Crawling in my Skin”.

            The song, “Heavy” serves almost as the last epitaph for the man whose songs often expressed the directionless teen and young adult anger and sadness that I just could not wrap my own head around.  Where do you go when you are your own worst enemy?  How do you deal with a world that feels like a load too heavy to hold?  I don’t know, and I am sorry that Chester did not find a way to deal with his inner demons a little longer.

            I am going to leave that there.  I hope that the Grammys are entertaining to those who watch them (I don’t) and I hope that they give awards to a variety of artists that are pushing the artform (I respect lots of performers while admitting that their stuff is not really my thing, hello Kendrick Lamar, I hope you are well, “DNA.” Is pretty good.)

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Government Shutdown and Russian Bots

Government Shutdown

You know what is super ridiculous about the government shut down?  It is happening primarily over two programs, the Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP) and Differed Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA).

Both of these programs are overwhelmingly popular with both parties.  Passing both in a massive bipartisan collaboration would be the most popular thing done by the federal government since the death of Osama bin Laden.

Remember this guy?  What an asshole right?

"The problem you’ve got is that CHIP is so popular that there is this thought process that well, anybody who has another bill that they’d like to get through, if they can get it attached to CHIP, they have a better chance of getting it through, which causes problems for CHIP," said Sen. Mike Rounds (R-S.D.).

So why is it failing?  Because rather than go for the easy win, Republicans decided to random these two programs (both of which are popular with their voters) for EVEN MORE STUFF.  In government terms this is as close to cutting off your nose to spite your face as it gets.

Here is a strategy, pass the two things everyone wants, make a big deal about it, and THEN make stupid and unreasonable demands and cloak them in honeyed words.

It is like these idiots don't even know how to be properly sinister.

Russian Bots

You know, sometimes I think to myself, "There is no way Russia is funding internet trolls to support President Trump."

Um... Till I go to the comment section of any news article talking about Trump and you start to see patterns. Points being brought up in just the right way. Things being hammered on, over and over.  Tangents that segway into crazy town.  And the one that is really easy to look up, accounts that have existed for a couple months (tops) that have 30,000+ posts, dozens of which are just hashtags to a conspiracy theory.

That "@" name looks super on the level.

And all of them are giving each other thumbs up.  The smart ones I've noticed conceal their posting history to make it slightly harder to justify reporting them. But I report a few, the ones that are most obviously just computers reporting the same block of text thousands of times.  And the ones using actual hate speech like,

 

Having looked at many of his comments, which mostly consist of him saying "Winning" or racist statistics.
I am certain this does not shame him.  I mean, his user name includes the word "Racist".

Guys... this shit is real...

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Dungeons and Dragons, "The Five"

Gods of Dungeons and Dragons

            I really liked writing up my unique take on Orcs a while back, that their society has a different take on religion that I think makes them more interesting than the simple brutal monsters they are often portrayed as.

            I also never really went anywhere with my discussion of Religion as an aspect of settings that I wrote about months before that.

            To that end I figured I would write up some of my stranger and off the beaten path religious aspects of my own campaign world and see what people think.

The Five

            The five are a Pantheon of gods that work in concert with one another, they each seen as aspects of a larger concept, the Cycle of Life.  None of them are in conflict and followers of the religion do not acknowledge the existence of other gods/faiths.  The Five are worshiped as a pantheon by most, but there are Exemplars (Acolytes) that specialize in one of the Five and seek to embody that aspect (Exemplars are not always Clerics).

"Is Mother Nature ever a MILF?"
"I guess if you are, like, Zeus or something."

Holy Symbol:

Pentagon (Faith as a Whole)

            Mother Nature: Circle

            Father Time: Hour Glass

            Ladies of Fate: Triangle

            Thousand Faced Hero: Sword

            Grim Reaper: Scyth

Cleric Domains:

When worshiped as a Pantheon, the Life domain is preferred, as it encapsulates the entirety of the religions aspects.  Much like the symbols Exemplars specialize in particular domains.

            Mother Nature: Nature

            Father Time: Knowledge

            Ladies of Fate: Trickery

            Thousand Faced Hero: War

            Grim Reaper: Death

"I have no idea what I set this alarm for.  Why did I make it such a catchy song?  Was that a clue?"

World View & Mythos:

There are five wise and powerful beings that like the facets of a gem, are each a part of the larger whole of Life itself.  These beings help and guide the mortal races, each of these five in turn having domain over an aspect of the mortal realm.

            The first is the life-giving power of Mother Nature, she is the keeper of life, the earth upon which all else rests.

            The second is Father Time, animating the universe, shifting between possibilities, and possessing the great knowledge of the future and wisdom of the ages.  Like the air he is all about us unseen, and like smoke and steam cloud our vision, uncertainty clouds our view of the future and our understanding of the past.

            Third is the Ladies of Fate, or the Three as One, those who weave into their designs a place and calling for all people, they are the water of the tide, to which all inevitably surrender.

            Fourth is the Thousand Faced Hero.  Not one being but all beings who face challenges and thru strength or guile persevere, he is the fire that tempers our souls.

            Last is the Grim Reaper, the final end to all things.  Bringing closure and rest to those who have passed thru the world, the Reaper is the void and aether from which nothing returns.

Beliefs:

The universe is made of many different energies and forces that work in concert.  All of these things play their parts and have place.  Life springs forth, moves thru the ages, facing conflict as it goes, fulfills its destiny, and then passes on.

            While each of these parts deserves its own ruminations and there are innumerable virtues that can be embodied by any one person, it does not change the fact that all of these five parts are necessary for the world to exist.

I have written about this cartoon.  Have I reached a point where I have enough blog entries that I can regularly reference my deeper thoughts on various inspirations?  Maybe?

Practices:

            This faith is most commonly known for its monasteries.  Spotting the map, they serve as way points for pilgrims and travelers form all over the country.  Harvest festivals, historical remembrances, star gazing, tournaments, and funerary services are provided by the faithful, and their monasteries often have large tombs or graveyards.

            As the faith, by their own thinking, has aspects in every facet of life they provide numerous services that tie into community life.

Superstitions and Taboos:

            Being rather disparate, the monasteries have no unifying set of superstitions or taboos.  They are big believers in hospitality, and that everything happens for a reason, so they do not put much stock in luck, but instead in the value of people doing positive things for one another, like feeding the hungry, giving compliments and encouragement, or just giving clear instructions.

I think a better illustration of this concept exists.
I just couldn't find one.

Social Organization:

            There is no single unifying church hierarchy.  While each cloister varies and has its own local flavor, they tend to be broken into two major camps, the contemplative, those that ponder the meaning of life often writing long philosophical treatise, and the communal, those that emphasize working with communities and providing a variety of services in exchange for donations and help around the monastery.

Cults & Heretics:

            While most other religions have a diametric opposite, by simply flipping the dogma from kindness to hate, freedom to tyranny, or life to Death, the Five do not suffer from this.  While they are not the state religion of any kingdom they are also not aggressive with their missionary work, so they are not seen as a threat.  No one persecutes followers of the Five, and they have no equivalent to “Satan worshipers”.

            The closest thing to heresy is that some orders believe that other gods exist and incorporate them into worship in a variety of ways, celebrating their holidays, incorporating the imagery into their burial grounds and structures, or citing their religious texts in their writings.

I liked this image of Death so much from my blog on "Celestial Warlock Patrons" that I am using it again.

Inspiration

            There are three pop culture inspirations for this religion.

The first is the Color Wheel from Magic the Gathering.  I tried to make each of the Five line up to a color, Green (Nature), Blue (Time), White (Fate), Red (Heroism), and Black (Death).  It is perhaps not a perfect line up, and some bleed between the elements because White, Black, and Green tend to not have elements tied to them.  I first started coming up with this idea for a religion when I wrote about Magic the Gathering’s color wheel being a better Alignment system.

Speaking of elements here is the other thing that inspired the Five, “Captain Planet and the Planeteers”.  I think it might be an odd choice for me to replace Heart with Death… I think I need to write something about the Planeteers in the future.  They are easy to mock, but as an adult I have seen new value it what the show was about, and have referenced it before.

Where is my dark and cynical reboot of this?
Where Hoggish Greedly is president and the fucking world is coming to an end?

Lastly, I was inspired by Piers Anthony’s “Incarnations of Immortality” series.  Each of the Five is taken right from that series, except he had War instead of the Hero with 1,000 faces.  While I do feel that conflict makes sense as a key aspect of the Five (his was really 7, as God and Satan are also in there), War just seems to inherently negative a concept.  To me, war is not an inevitable aspect of life, it is an unfortunate event that most people avoid direct contact with.  Heroism, which can be embodied in a number of ways felt like a more universal idea.  (I have mentioned this series before.)

What Do You Think

            Would this religion fit in your game world?  Do you think that the aspects are too generic and require sprucing up?  Would you like to see more detail about each of the Five?

            Feel free to put a link to your own fantasy faiths in the comments for contrast.  I am curious about how other people stretch things in their worlds away from the more common, “chose one from the list” style of pantheons in other games.

            And have fun.

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            If you like or hate this please take the time to comment, +1, share on Twitter (click that link to follow me), Tumblr, or Facebook, and otherwise distribute my opinion to the world.  I would appreciate it.

Dungeons and Dragons, "Character Ideas" episode 3

Ideas for Future Characters

            A while back I wrote up some short biographies for characters I thought about using in a 5^th edition game of Dungeons and Dragons.  While I ended up using only one of them and have since moved on to running a game rather than playing in one.  However, and let’s be honest here, the most fun there is in Dungeons and Dragons is making a character.

            Since I like doing it, I figured I would make a chart in Excel and start checking off class/background combinations, by the end of this writing exercise I will have 156 character ideas.  I have decided not to include races, sub races, sub classes, or the backgrounds from supplemental materials.  Just the Players Handbook… FOR NOW.

            For fun, I will also give a numerical rating for whether I think something is “Interesting”.  There are characters that are so common as to be arch typical or even cliché, but maybe there is a reason they are so common, because they are just that intriguing.  Feel free to disagree or offer your own suggestions and objections in the comments.

            If you would like to share some of your own unused character ideas, do so in the comments, maybe use this format (maybe get it to catch on, I like its simplicity) and try and keep to a shorter length, you don’t want people to “tldr” your stuff.

            One more thing worth mentioning, I will make an effort to include a variety of different fantasy races in my character creation.  I have written before that I could run an entire fantasy world with just humans and see most fantasy races as too bland to be seen as meaningfully different from humanity (elves, to me, are too often played as just tall humans with pointy ears).  I also know that this is not an opinion shared by most and I want to try and expand my own horizons.

What Have I Got?

            I recommend as a DM, that if you have the luxury of having your players making characters as a group, picking a theme of 1-5 words to serve as an inspiration seems like a good idea.  I decided that since I have a Cleric and Druid this week that a good theme would be, “Faith”.

(Originally, last episode’s Warlock was going to be included in these, but I took way too long to write these out).

I have found (while looking for an image that worked), Drow might be the most sexualized fantasy race ever.

Name: Sverre Ashe

Class: Cleric

Race: Dark Elf

Background: Entertainer

History: I recall the time of my youth, when I wandered in darkness.  The cold and wet and miserable dark.  Stalked by beasts not of the night, but of dark.  True darkness.

My family, my clan believed that darkness was not just all around us, but within us.  From skin to skeleton.  From skeleton to soul.  That our goddess ruled us with cruelty, and that we deserved such treatment.  We were of the dark, in the dark, and we deserved nothing better.

It was in a time of wandering the wet stone halls of the underdark that I met someone.  I can only describe them as “someone” for they were many things.  Like a candle flame flickers casting shadows fantastic and macabre, the features of this someone moved and shifted.  Being now a thing with one arm, now with one leg, now with twenty legs, now a pair of legs without a head, now a head without a body: of which dissolving parts, no outline would be visible in the dense gloom wherein they melted away.

It was there in that murky endless gloom that Someone spoke at length to me about the nature of them and me.  About the cost of cruelty, about the pain of living.  And in a span of time that felt like forever, a time that felt like home, sitting all alone beside this One.  This one asked, “Have you heard the good news?”

Goals: I am no longer under the delusion that cruelty is a fact of life.  Cruelty is an abomination.  I am no longer under the misconception that suffering is somehow ennobling.  Suffering is untenable.

I wish to no longer be part and parcel with the darkness of the world and instead bring the good tidings of that Someone who led me out of the darkness.  To share with people the news that they are not alone, that walking with them in the darkest times of their lives is someone who wants to tell them how much they matter and to not lose hope.

            And to that end I put on my show.  Prostilatizing before the masses as eloquently as I can about my own story, and asking for whatever contributions they can spare to help spread the word.

Rating: 3/5

            I know I leaned much harder on the “Cleric” side of things more so than the “Entertainer”, but I think that most religious entertainers tend to downplay their role as entertainer in favor of the religious aspect of what they are doing.

            I chose a Drow because I think that their having a religious turn that leads them away from Lloth is always interesting.  There is a reason Drizzt Do’Urden (spelled it right on the first try) is so compelling, same as the X-Men, Angel from Buffy, or Finn from Star Wars.  Being a good guy when the whole world says you aren’t and doing it because you believe in a moral right that guides you… That’s nice.

            This actually started out much more cynical, a parody of Joel Osteen, and his strange (even creepy) affectation.  But I am in a less cynical mood these days, so I toned it down.

Though, it might just be elves in general.  It is hard to find an elf woman who is not stacked.

Name: Fínín

Class: Druid

Race: High Elf

Background: Guild Merchant

History: I have spent a lot more time among humans and dwarves, far more than the typical member of my race.  I think that most elves can never get past the earthy smell of the other civilized peoples.  But I think that aversion has robbed my kin of a valuable perspective on things.  And this has made elves, as a society, terrible at trade.

            Humans have an almost singular grasp of the concept, something I have studied with rapt attention for decades now.  Simply taking the time to tend an ancient hedge near a human town along a river has allowed me to see trade at work and it is dazzling.

Take two groups, one loaded down with butter, the other’s coffers bursting full of dry bread.  Each sees the other as possessing a treasure, and each trades heaps of their own stores for a pittance of the other’s, along comes hungry tailors burdened by too many pants and shirts, a naked candle maker, a tanner in need of light, a thirsty smith, and a brewer who wants a bit of each.  It is magical that they, with such short lives, find the time to sort thru all of the wants and needs in such a manner as trade.  It is a beautiful madness.

            And all of it facilitated by the movement of little bits of metal with the words, “Taken in Good Faith” stamped on them next to a crown or an eagle.  Money is perhaps the key to human nature?  Who’s to say?

Goals: You know what I like about money?  I can stack it on a table.  I can hold it in my hands.  But what humans and dwarves and other races often forget is this, “you can’t eat gold”.  Wealth, real material wealth comes not from hording shiny rocks but from the creation of materials that everyone wants, but that don’t last forever.  I have the patience for such things.

            Being a druid gives me access to growth.  To the bounty of the natural world.  I can make things people eat by the bushel.  And as an elf I will live long enough to see my investments mature.  To investments I shall sow coins like seeds in the fields, and they in turn shall grow into orchards of golden fruits.

Rating: 4/5

            Call me crazy, but the idea of an elf druid, two concepts that scream, “one with nature” would become so infatuated to the idea of money, a concept wholly of civilization, that they would seek to exploit their magical nature powers for material gain… That is a total subversion of both those things and fits entirely with the Merchant aspect of the character.

            Maybe I went to far with a blathering endorsement of the free market, but as I am playing this more like a parody, that might not be as “endorsing” as you initially think.

Can you spare a little something for the faith?
How about for an apple?  Wanna buy an apple?

Outro

            What do you all think?  Do you have a request for a class/background combo?  Did you play one of the combos I have featured and want to share your spin on it?  Post in the comments.

Listed below are the past episodes of this blog for your reading pleasure.  If you want to read more Dungeons and Dragons stuff from me, here is a 3-part diatribe on the Celestial Warlock from “Xanathar’s Guide to Everything” (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3).  Otherwise, Have Fun.

Episode 0

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

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            If you like or hate this please take the time to comment, +1, share on Twitter (click that link to follow me), Tumblr, or Facebook, and otherwise distribute my opinion to the world.  I would appreciate it.

Dungeons and Dragons, "Celestial Warlock Patrons"

            LAST TIME, I ran down some of the numerous cultural influences I drew upon to create a list of Celestial Patrons for the Warlock class in 5e Dungeons and Dragons.

            Let’s face it, at this point my topic is so fucking niche I have no idea who in the world is reading this aside from me, so expect this rambling diatribe to self-indulgent as hell.

            Forgive me if this all skews extremely Western culture.  I am an American, I try to branch out, but this is still going to be highly informed by a Western world view.  Feel free to add Celestial forces that have a darker edge from around the world to them in the comments.

            Much like with the Undead Patrons, these are semi poetic.

Celestial Patrons

There is light.

Light can reveal.

Light can blind.

Within the light there is power.

You can have that power.

Just seal a pact.

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            Elohim is the council of Celestials.  They are both male and female, plural and singular, they are what they are and all that is.  To behold them is to see the span of time, the span of the cosmos, and to at once know the end and the beginning of all things as they are akin to oneself.  They are the celestial clockmakers whose gears grind the dust of the mortal races in the keeping of their time.  The Elohim bid you to not be afraid, for all is right and good.

"Was the mechanism designed or did it happen by accumulation of natural processes?"

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            Eistibus is the balance between the absolute stillness of order and the never-ending change of chaos.  Eistibus is the life that springs forth in the wasteland by the wisdom of the farmer, the city that is cut from stone by the knowledge of the mason, the child that is born from the love of living beings.  Eistibus is the power of chaos focused thru the systems of order.  Eistibus bids you to grasp firmly the reins of the world and tame it to your will.

 

“But goodness alone is never enough. A hard, cold wisdom is required for goodness to accomplish good. Goodness without wisdom always accomplishes evil.”

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            Wrath is the pain, the destruction, the suffering brought upon those who would turn from the path of love and kindness.  Wrath is the self-inflicted hollow within one’s soul for turning from the light of Good.  Wrath is the righteous fury that must be visited upon those who would be wicked, to turn upon them the instruments of their tortures back on themselves.  Wrath is the eye for an eye, the tooth for a tooth.  Wrath bids you to cleanse yourself in the blood of the wicked.

 

“I heard absolute power corrupts absolutely. Does that mean God is corrupt?”

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The Sage is the seer of the future.  Possessing knowledge of a world that would fall to darkness he seeks champions fit to bear the tools of leadership, weapons, crowns, horses, falcons.  The Sage is the council of ages that great leaders seek to turn the tide of darkness and to make peace into glorious golden age.  The Sage, this wise old man bids you to take hold of your weapon, embrace who you are, and adhere to honor so as to guide the world to a greater age.

“We meet again, at the turn of the tide...”
“The future has taken root in the present...”
“It is important to fight... and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay though never quite eradicated...”
“If you define yourself by the power to take life, the desire to dominate, to possess…then you have nothing.”

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            Jubilation is the glorious joy of creation.  She sees in the world the suffering, the want, the need, the ignorance, and the evil and seeks a better world.  Follow the glory of her vision to banish from this world the darkness, the lame, the weak, to harness a stronger stock for the new world.  Once the weak elements have been striped from this world, turned back into the raw elements, the strong shall be guided into a new world of Jubilation’s architecture.  She bids you to burn away the weak so that the strong might live in her golden kingdom.

 

“Light.  Dark.  Mortal.  All the strife and struggle.  Reality wrapped up in a vortex of creation.”

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            The Sebayt are the watches, the teachers, the shepherds.   They are those who guide the flocks together toward a greater state of peace, a greater state of harmony.  They are unknowable, the greater unity and wisdom they seek is in service of some even greater goal.  They are not naïve, they know that the flock must be minded.  The Sebayt know the night is dark.  And to guard the future of the flock some, many, nearly all might have to be cast off and left all alone to the things in the night.  They bid you to forgive, to trust, to aid, and to fear the things in the dark.

 

“They are alone.  They are a dying people.  We should let them pass.”

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            Voulgata is the librarian, the keeper of knowledge, it is the Book of Exalted Deeds.  An Angel of Revelation turned material not as flesh but as parchment.  To allow a glance, a momentary ponderance of the glory of creation and the nobility of Goodness.  Good is not nice, polite, well-mannered, self-righteous, or naive, though good people may be some of these things.  There is only one good, Knowledge, and one evil, Ignorance.  Voulgata bids you to learn, to teach, and to persecute those who thrive in the darkness of ignorance and stupidity.

 “Good is the awesome holy energy that radiates from the celestial planes and crushes evil.
Good is selfless, just, hopeful, benevolent, and righteous.”

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            The Apostle was a mortal whom the Elohim placed so much trust that upon their death by torture they were granted a key role in the world, guardian of the faith.  It is they who holds the book of life on which the names of the worthy are recorded and for whom passage into the next life might be barred.  Thru the suffering they endured they gained knowledge of true fitness, true nobility, and it is thru trial and pain that the weakness of mortality can be striped from the spirit of mortals.  The Apostle bids you to endure the suffering of life and hold true to Goodness so as to pass into a more noble afterlife.

 

“There is no harm in patience, and no profit in lamentation.  Death is easier to bear than that which precedes it, and more severe than that which comes after it.  Remember the death of the Apostle, and your sorrow will be lessened.”

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            Azrael is the Angel of Death.  All mortal life passes like sand thru the hourglass or mist in light.  It is not the roll of the Heavens to preserve the temporary, it is not in the nature of the Celestial to guard the terrestrial.  Azrael is the unwinding of the thread of life, a divestment of the soul from the soft and dirty clay by which the mortal races toil in the endless suffering that is life.  Azrael is the power of Goodness to destroy evil, to destroy the unclean, to bring the light to the dark.  Azrael bids you to bring death to the world so as to cleanse it of the suffering that is life.

Blessed are the dead
And now you are among them
Delivered form this mortal coil

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In Conclusion

            Let me first say that I borrowed some of the images above from the Deviant art account of Pete Mohrbacher, in the same way everything on the internet ends up borrowed from someone without permission.  Please visit his deviant art is you like epic art of angels that perfectly captures much of what I was looking for when I started this.  The twisted and unknowable nature of these beings is captured by his truly creative depictions.  He has a Patreon as well.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

            If you want to read more of my stuff talking about Dungeons and Dragons, click here.

            If you would like to see more of my Political side, click here.

            If you want to read a short story I cobbled together, click here and then here.

______________________________

            If you like or hate this please take the time to comment, +1, share on Twitter (click that link to follow me), Tumblr, or Facebook, and otherwise distribute my opinion to the world.  I would appreciate it.

Dungeons and Dragons, "Celestial Warlock Mythos"

            LAST TIME, I wrote about the Celestial Warlock build that was introduced in “Xanathar’s Guide to Everything”.  Not one word was spoken about the mechanics of the class, just that I heartily dislike it from a story standpoint.  To that end I issued myself a challenge, “Fix it”.

            To do this I have to first look at some inspirations in pop culture and mythology.  I need to find angels and other celestial beings that are on the side of GOOD, but are not necessarily nice, and certainly fit the flavor of the Warlock class, being a small participant in a pact with powers beyond one’s keen.

Fixing the Celestial Warlock

            Contrary to popular belief thru most of human history gods, even the good ones, were pretty fickle.  Most of this had to do with how people saw the natural world.  To pre-science humans the weather was a chaotic and cruel mistress who would level a town, flash a flood, or bake your crops to uselessness… unless you lived in ancient Egypt, the Nile provided such consistent crop output that they perceived of all but a handful of their 100+ gods as good guys.

            But, let’s make like Phillip II of France and ignore Egypt’s importance, instead let’s construct a vision of Celestial that is more akin to the terrifying but still “good” beings of the ancient world.

Book of Ezekiel

While Jesus was a rather chill guy, the Old Testament is full of visions of an incredibly powerful, unyielding, and TERRIFYING vision of YAWEH.  His angels are not just sexy people with wings but multi-dimensional lovecraftian horrors.

 

"WHAT EVEN!?"

“Then there came a voice from above the vault over their heads as they stood with lowered wings.  Above the vault over their heads was what looked like a throne of lapis lazuli, and high above on the throne was a figure like that of a man.  I saw that from what appeared to be his waist up he looked like glowing metal, as if full of fire, and that from there down he looked like fire; and brilliant light surrounded him.  Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.

“This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.”

-Ezekiel 1, 25-28

“And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them or their words.  Do not be afraid, though briers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions.  Do not be afraid of what they say or be terrified by them, though they are a rebellious people.  You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious. But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you.  Do not rebel like that rebellious people; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”

“Then I looked, and I saw a hand stretched out to me.  In it was a scroll, which he unrolled before me. On both sides of it were written words of lament and mourning and woe.”

-Ezekiel 2, 6-10

            The Warlock who is participating with this celestial force is not so much asked or bargained with, but dictated to.  “Do not be afraid,” is repeated multiple times.  The scope of this being’s goals are massive, the resettlement of entire nations, the creation of new testaments, the defense of nations, and the breaking of its Dark Adversaries like Dagon, Bal, Moloch, and Mammon.

While the mortal races are important to this being’s view of the universe, loved like children, there is a larger picture whose scope shatters the minds of mortals, a cosmic view whose fate hangs in the balance.  A “deal” handed down by a bring like YAWEH would see the Warlock only as useful as it was obedient and much like the mana from heaven in Exodus, not trusting absolutely in YAWEH will result in not only his favor revoking, but his wrath coming down like stone tablets soon after.

Nabu and the Helm of Doctor Fate

            The DC Universe (more so than Marvel) has a magical quality to it and invests its most powerful beings with the mystique of Magic.  One of the best examples is Nabu, a Lord of Order and the supernatural entity which empowers the Helm of Fate.

            While the exact nature of the Helm of Fate changes based on which continuity it takes place I think the best is in “Young Justice”.  In that continuity the Helm is NABU, when worn it suppresses the personality of the wearer and Doctor Fate becomes the dominate personality.

Multiple times Fate is bargained with before ultimately taking on a permanent wearer, as the spirit was tired of being relegated away, only to be called upon in the most dire of circumstances.  Striking a deal with Nabu is very much a core aspect of it, but like all magic it has a deep cost.

 

"Fate Must Take a Hand!"

The Wizard SHAZAM!

            Holding court in the Rock of Eternity, guarding the 7 deadly sins, and anointing champions to guard earth from supernatural threats the Wizard SHAZAM has seen champions fall to the dark side in eras past and has taken greater and greater care over the centuries to not see it happen again.

            To that end he searches for those pure enough at heart to restore the world to a truer state of good and right, rather than empowering those who would try to impose their own vision of true and right.  Captain Marvel has been one of his champions harnessing a variety of divine powers to save the world.

            SHAZAM is perhaps the closest to the idea of a benevolent celestial for the Warlock class.  That while he was once mortal, made mistakes, and is obviously functioning on another level, his motives appear to be on the level even if too many of the bad guys Captain Marvel fights are left overs from SHAZAM’s inability to keep a lid on supernatural evil.

 

"I ask too much."

The Spectre, Eclipso, and the Vengeance of God

            In the DC universe they wisely stay away from naming the Presence that serves as the supreme god of the whole shebang.  However, they do make its will felt thru the presence of various spirits and powerful beings.  The two that most fit the purpose of a Warlock-esc entity are Spectre and Eclipso.

            They are in effect two aspects of the same force, that of karmic punishment.  Eclipso represents a more primitive and brutal method of seeking vengeance which is why it was replaced by the Spectre, who is a Dante like dealer of ironic punishments, “What is justice without vengeance?... Simply a slap on the wrist, and an invitation for evil to continue… unabated.”

They may also bang occasionally.
I mean, they have a lot in common.

            The key difference in these beings has to do with how they are tied to Earth, via bonding with a mortal soul.  Eclipso possesses a living being whom it overrides.  Some can overpower the spirit, but they are usually powerful with magic.  Others can work in concert, but only if they are 9 kinds of ax-crazy.

Spectre in contrast bonds with a dead person but one that has the will and mindset to temper the Spectre’s wrath and keep it grounded, an excellent comic by J.M. Dematteis (JLA 1997 #35, Day of Judgement) illustrates how the Spectre’s wrath often makes it wish to strike at people because of what they MIGHT do.

The Guardians of the Universe

            Again, from DC comics one of the oldest and most powerful species of humanoid in the universe are the little blue gnome wizards that created the Green Lantern Corp.  Their selection process is based entirely around willpower (courage) and so leads too often to members being kind of tyrannical, but they do have some standards.  They even have an Oath.

In brightest day, in blackest night,

No evil shall escape my sight.

Let those who worship evil's might

Beware my power--Green Lantern's light!

 

"Can you dig it?"

            Follow the rules.  Fight evil.  And in exchange you will be trusted with tremendous power.  It is important to note that the Guardians are also a cause of many-MANY issues that are left floating around the universe, caused by their quests for knowledge and control of a universe they perceived as their bailiwick.

Vorlons

            I am talking about “Babylon 5” again.

The Vorlons are a race of ultra-powerful aliens that have been guiding the other intelligent races of the galaxy since the beginning of life.  They push for a system of unity (or at least live and let live) and via their powerful telepathy they can provide wisdom and insight to the other races.  They are also huge assholes, standing off to the side in times of crisis behind a condescending wall of riddles and mysterious acting.

            Touched by Vorlons, is a trope in fiction which is about as close to WARLOCK as it gets in science fiction (the Warlock class is referenced on the TVTropes page).  It refers to how telepaths in the series would get a tremendous boost from interacting with the aliens.  Turing them into agents of the Vorlon’s ultimate goals.

            Watch the show.  It is now on a free streaming service.

Bayonetta

            The mythology of this game is dense and strange.  Its presentation is pervy in that uniquely Japanese sense.  That being said the protagonist of the game is unquestionably a Warlock by the standards of Dungeons and Dragons.  Bayonetta is a witch who made deals with the devil to hunt angels who are absolute bastards in their own right.

"I'm doing it for the thrill."

            The angels in this series care about the extermination of the witches and they act as such, leaving way too many people dead and too much of reality twisted in pursuit of their goal.  Modifying these guys to be the sponsors of Warlocks in Dungeons and Dragons would make sense.  They are the sort of capricious power source the class is all about.

Darksiders

            This franchise is goofy as hell, but its over the top nature gives birth to another instance of, “I will blow up the universe to accomplish my goal of GOOD”.  As if I haven’t made it clear by now that is the factor I am looking for.

I consider Darksiders the least “deep” of these options for what I consider to be obvious reasons.  That being said, there is a lot of stuff laid out.

            This game has a whole list of beings that could make for fitting patrons for Warlocks.  The Charred Council being perhaps the best, but Samael fits for a demonic patron, and Abaddon works for a Celestial.  You could plum the depths of this game’s maddeningly over the top goulash of names drawn from obscure Christian Mythology for an entire pantheon of powerful beings in DnD.

 

"Ghost Riders in... The Sky!"

I Swear I Didn’t Mean for this to Happen

            I am going to have to make this a 3-part deal.  Looking over the list of pop culture things here I will whip together a list of Celestial Patrons for the Warlock class that I feel work better for the intended flavor of the class than the options presented in the core book.

            You might be asking, “uh… if you ran down all of these things here, why do I need to read the next entry?  Won’t it just be the rendered version of this?”

            To that I answer, I am going to try and put some more spins on the whole thing and add a few that aren’t in here, this was more a rundown of the IDEA, not a complete list.

Though I guess if you were satisfied with this feel free to stop.

It is your life.  Have Fun!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

            If you want to read more of my stuff talking about Dungeons and Dragons, click here.

            If you would like to see more of my Political side, click here.

            If you want to read a short story I cobbled together, click here and then here.

______________________________

            If you like or hate this please take the time to comment, +1, share on Twitter (click that link to follow me), Tumblr, or Facebook, and otherwise distribute my opinion to the world.  I would appreciate it.