Saturday, May 7, 2011

I review "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows part 1" pt4 Finally

            While we are in the dungeon waiting for the worst characters in the movie series to come in and save the day I'll continue the review.

            Okay, can someone explain to me what is up with the wands?  They imply that there is some sort of magical connection between a wand and its user.  Since Lord V is imprinted on Harry they have twin wands, they each connect to that design and combination of magical ju-ju.  So how are they able to use other people's wands?  What is the advantage of using your own wand?

            Now let me bring this all the way back to my first complaint of Bellatrix.  Again, good actress, and the the problem isn't so much the character but how the character is used.  And the perfect example is at the 'heroes' lowest point in the movie.  They are captured and are being imprisoned and interrogated by Bellatrix, which is like a bull dog interrogating a canary, she doesn't ask questions, she just chews trying to get it to sing.  Bellatrix is stone stupid.  Harry has the most pathetic disguise they could throw over him, his face is puffy, and Bellatrix can't tell it's him.  He has the same scar, the same glasses, same voice, same height and coloring... Oh, and he is traveling with his two best friends, that like finding Batman with Superman and Wonder Woman, but he's wearing a red cape so the Joker can't tell it's him.  Bellatrix then commences to get her ass wrecked by an elf and some teenagers, getting a killing blow against the worst character in the franchise (Dobby, read "part 1", complaint two), and earning my love and respect.  Feelings you shouldn't have for the psycho antagonist.

And there is the pitch!  Oh!  She hit the batter square up in the face and he's down, yep... She killed him.  Today is a great day in baseball.

            Speaking of psycho antagonists.  How has no one tried to kill Lord V in his sleep?  The man is a monster.  A literal and figurative monster.  He supports ethnic superiority, rule through violence and bloodshed, and has no real management strategy beyond blaming minorities for problems.  Why are people following Lord V at all?  In fact, what is his ultimate goal?  He seems to want to kill Harry Potter, but why?  because Harry, having survived inexplicably in his youth is a symbol of hope to those he suppresses?  So what?  He's a teenage orphan that sheds supporting cast members like a leper sheds fingers.  Harry is lucky, but far from competent, yet he is orbited like he has value.  Why?

I'm not the first person to say that the Wands might just be a penis metaphor right?  Okay, then I won't go on a long pick it apart rant about how that makes perfect sense in a coming of age story, though the Sword makes that metaphor twice over.

            And another thing, nobody thought to go check the Malfoy residence, nobody thought that might be the headquarters of the bad guys?  Snape killed the headmaster of a prestigious private school, less than a year later he is the headmaster of that school, is this "The Highlander" franchise where killing someone gets you their power?  Why aren't the parents complaining about his?  Why isn't he wanted for murder?  Seriously, explain to me why Malfoy is walking free?  And that no one of authority bothered to look for him, at his fucking house.  Is this a British thing?  "Hey, um."  "Yes officer, did you want to search the grounds?"  "Well, yes as a matter of fact."  "Well, we're a bit busy could you stop by some other time?"  "Well, I suppose if you are busy.  What time would you like us to come by on our man hunt?"  "I don't know, my schedule is all over the place right now.  Could I just give you a call when you could come over and conduct your search for the man wanted for conspiracy to commit murder and treason?"  "Yeah just drop us a line when you aren't busy, no need to rush."  Who is running this place?

Yeah, nobody saw this sniveling little shit turning into a sniveling little shit villain in the future.  Christ he can't even kill a helpless old man with dignity.  Hey, if you disagree with Voldemort: defect.  Lord V is just going to fuck you and your whole social order over in the end anyway, he is a nihilistic sociopath and you sided with him... because?

            And a complaint that everyone has touched on, what was the deal with Hermione erasing her parents' memories?  As soon as I saw this happen I said to myself, "Aren't they going to wonder about all the empty frames around the house, not to mention the empty bedroom that they never filled with crap?  What about their neighbors?  "Didn't you have a daughter?  She went to boarding school, you brag about her being top of her class all the time?  What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about?"  Why wasn't Harry's step parents given the same treatment?  Hell, why weren't they given the same treatment in the first movie?  They are abusive shits and Harry should have been allowed to live and work at Hogwarts during the summer, learning to train animals with Hagrid and getting some sort of internship as a page at the Ministry or something.  Instead the school sends Harry back to the people who had him living under the stairs since he was a baby, and for whatever reason hate him but don't want him to go to boarding school.  They make no sense as characters and should have been dismissed as quickly as possible but are kept around for bland manufactured drama.

You just know the neighbors are going to end up calling the cops because they'll assume that these people killed their daughter and just want to cover it up and go on with their lives like psychos would hope to do.  It'd be like the ending to "Shutter Island" without all the competent acting.

            Well, That's all I could think of, but considering I saw it opening week, 5 and a half months ago, and not since... Well, the negative made an impression.  I guess that is part of the issue, The best character of the whole series has been Hogwarts and it wasn't in this movie.  A lot of the peripheral magical world was in "Deathly Hollows", but it was the extreme periphery, the wilderness and the muggle world.  The whole thing just came off as very dull and full of the bullshit angst that "Twilight" has forced into the genre of modern fantasy.  This series lost its spark, and much like I saw "The Revenge of the Sith" out of obligation to the "Star Wars" franchise, I'll see "Part II" out of obligation to this series though I only really liked two of the movies.  It is sad really, they had a built in audience so they took for granted the millions they would make and the hoard of apologists they would have fighting for them, so they made a mediocre film just to cash in an additional time when they could have wrapped this whole thing up by cutting out a lot of the nonsense.

            You all get that don't you?  That this movie was created specifically to make more money, not to give the prose room to breath on film.  That they realized this gravy train won't be ripe for remake for at least 10 years and that they needed to draw it out a little longer to savor the money flow.  This is a scam.  Whatever.

They don't look sad, he looks bored and she looks pensive.  I would say they are going to go on to very little acting wise, but with my luck this guy will be the next incarnation of "Doctor Who" and I'll grow to like him and be brainwashed into apologizing for this series of blogs

            Fuck me, are they camping again?!


  1. Very mature. I can tell you really watched the film and read the books intently. Write this again, but with less bias, and people might actually be inclined to take you seriously.

  2. Yes, Rocketboy1313, I find your writing very biased. What business do your opinions have in a blog post?? Very irresponsible. Personally, I love this movie, and Harry Potter in general. I especially liked the part where Edward put his wand into Bella's chamber of secrets but ended up getting hogwarts because apparently the sparkles are contagious. I've heard Bella is a real dementor in the bedroom...

  3. you are totally right about splitting this up into two part as a money generator...the pacing was off because they just wanted to extend the gravy train. As far as bias :p, whatevs...i like your writing style and you make your points well.