Movies of 2013, Fantasy, pt1, Hobbit

Fantasy

The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, or "They really should have changed more things rather than just adding stuff"

Overall: 7/10

I would just like to note that the amount of gold in this movie is hundreds of times the amount of gold found in all of the real Earth combined, and would make for a totally unworkable standard for money.

            I like this movie.  Just to get that sentiment out of the way.  It is fun, moves at a good pace, has a lot of visual variety, ice, forest, dungeon, mountains of gold, cliffs... It is beautiful.  The costumes, sets, makeup, and visual effects are all amazing emerging you in a massive world of magic, legend, and big ideas.  All that being said I am going to go against the popular opinion on this film and say, "they didn't change enough."

            "The Hobbit" is a short, comedic book mostly aimed at a young audience.  It serves as a simple jumping off point for the events of "Lord of the Rings" which had a much (much, much, much) more developed narrative with more description and bigger climax.  But a movie is not a book.  In the book most of the Dwarves are blink-and-you'll-miss "characters".  Often they are one note jokes that are interchangeable.  Thorin and his quest for his gem are background, my brother read the book and didn't even know that in the climactic final War of Five Armies that more than one dwarf died, that is how little an impact they made.  But in the movie that doesn't really work.

            Having more than a dozen "characters" running through dangerous situations without any of them dying undercuts the threat (again I am saying "characters" sarcastically because while each has their own look they don't all get lines or development, I'm a nerd and can't name them all).  In the first film they are taken hostage by Trolls, and run through a goblin city squaring off against thousands of potential opponents before confronting the Orcs who have been hunting them all movie.  Logically someone should have died.  Pick one of the dwarves who is most visually engaging and has had a lot of lines (I would have picked Dwalin... Very few people will know who that is without a picture... So here is a picture.)

Also, a noble sacrifice would help to inform the audience as to why Gandalf thinks the Dwarves are worth helping.  It shows them to be commendable in courage, and even worth imitation.

            Dwalin was the first dwarf to show up in the movie, he is the most warrior like of those present, he has numerous lines, and thanks to his tattoos he is very visually memorable... He should have died heroically fighting with the albino orc.  Think about it, the orcs have them all cornered on trees, on a cliff.  Gandalf has called for help to the eagles but unless someone buys time the Dwarves won't be able to escape, one of the Dwarves jumps down from the tree and stands fast.  Gandalf looks apprehensive, Thorin knows that Dwalin is the one to do it and orders him to save them (showing he can make tough leadership decisions) and Dwalin yells at the Dwarves, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS."  And fights.  And dies.  Much like Gandalf and Boromir in "Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring".  It shows that this quest is dangerous, and that people will die while on it.  It changes from the book, but the book was a simple story for kids, the movie has to do things differently to work better.

            All of that was from the first "Hobbit" so let me point to an instance in this movie which was both good and bad.

            Spoiler time discussion: Not one damn dwarf dies fighting Smaug.  The biggest, most powerful being in the whole world, not one dwarf dies during the whole fight.  Smaug goes from huge, looming threat (beautiful to look on, and very tense when interacting with Bilbo) and is downgraded minute by minute as he fails to kill any of the dwarves in his lair.  THIS IS BULLSHIT.  You are de-balling the character.  Kill some dwarves.  Seriously, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur should have all bitten it.  Each killed fulfilling part of the Dwarves' attack against Smaug.  As is the movie's climax is an incredible let down.

            I do like that they made Bard an actual character, and that Lake Town was a real place with people, politics, and style all its own.  I like that the Elves were characters (dicks as they are) and that they have their own concerns in life as to why they are not trying to get tangled up in some crusade against evil.  I like that they added a cool female elf commando and that she wants to bang the Dwarf Prince Fili, and the Elf Prince Legolas... Kind of star fucker now that I think about it... But she is good at what she does, killing orcs and doing healing magic.  I also like that the Dwarf group breaks up a bit, half going to fight the Dragon, the other half staying behind to care for the sick and get ambushed by Orcs, that is a lot of fun and breaks up the action for each.

            Really, everything that was an addition worked for me, and all the most faithful plotting to hold to the book disappointed me... I guess what I really want is just an original story told in the Middle Earth universe, rather than just an adaptation of the books.  Tell me about the Blue Wizards, what happened to them when they left so long ago that Gandalf has forgotten their names.  Give Radigast something to do.  Show me some minor Elrond adventure.  Do something that isn't so hung up on an existing book, because I am tired of people complaining that this isn't enough like the book.  If you want the book, read the book.  I did.  I liked it a lot.  It is really short and fun.

Movies of 2013, Apocalypse, pt3, World War Z

Apocalypse Films (or "What is the Dumbest Thing I have seen all Year?")

World War Z, or "What?  Seriously, what?"

Overall: 3/10 (To answer my starting question, this is the Dumbest movie I have seen all year)

It is clear this script was not written for the book it was supposedly based on.
It is a series of set pieces strung together rather than a carefully plotted tale building to a climax.

            Another god damn zombie movie.  Look, this is just a really, really stupid movie, if nothing else it is that, and I would not recommend seeing it. I am now going to look at some spoiler info to show how dumb it is.

            Spoiler time discussion: The zombie outbreak starts... somewhere and spreads through airports, the zombies can only be incapacitated by bullets though unless they are completely destroyed they seem to keep coming after a short respite, they are fast, the infection spreads quickly, and all the actors in zombie make up over play the role to the point that it is silly rather than scary or engaging.  Brad Pitt is a UN investigator that is sent into... I don't know what he does, I think his job involves figuring out what happens in warzones.

            The movie is a road trip, going from scene to scene all over the world, initially it is pretty good with the outbreak in the city, followed by raiding supplies and escaping via helicopter on a roof.  These are simple down to earth adventures that could be experienced by anyone in a crisis situation.
            Then Pitt travels to Korea, and while refueling in the rain the zombies attack, how the zombies saw, heard, or smelled them in the rain (at night) is not explained and the rules for how these things behave is a little unclear.  One character, thought to be plot indispensable falls down and shoots himself in the face... It is hilarious.

            After Korea they go to Israel in the most laughable point in the film.  Israel has apparently been spending all the foreign aid the US has been giving them on walls to keep the zombies out (METAPHOR) and then decides to let everybody into the walls having never heard of quarantine procedures before.  Then when the groups of Jews and Palestinians start singing about love, togetherness and acceptance the noise attracts zombies to break in and annihilates the whole thing (METAPHOR?)

The Israeli wall is where this happens.

            Brad Pitt escapes in a plane, which gets infected (I have no idea where this comes from it is established that infection takes 12 seconds, they have been in the air for an hour... Again the rules are made up and the plot points don't matter).  The plane crashes near enough to walk to a WHO (World Health Organization) facility... Near enough to walk with a piece of plane debris going through Pitt's torso.  The WHO faculty then threaten Pitt with violence and interrogate him... Why?  They are doctors and viral pathologists not fascists, there is no reason for them to act this way.

            They then explain that sick people are effectively invisible to zombies... The zombies only wanting to infect healthy people... because only a healthy person can spread the infection properly... a magical disease that turns off the circulatory system... No kidding they establish that biological attacks on the zombies won't work because without a working circulatory system there is no way for the disease to harm them...  So what difference would being sick make?

            Regardless Pitt gets to the zombie infested lab with all of the virus samples, infects himself (it is important to note that he is in a refrigerator and finds syringes to inject himself, because of course they keep syringes in the refrigerated room with all the Ebola).  And it is true that undead can't see sick people... They then infect the world with  some kind of flu and people commence to exterminate the zombies in epic battles which look all the more preposterous because all of the human attacks are effectively invisible and completely immune to attack from the zombies now who ignore them even while getting bashed apart.

            Pitt then gets to reunite with his family in the Canadian wilderness.

            Additional problems: There are not this many people in the world to make the things that happen in this movie happen.  You have millions of zombies in every location pouring like a tidal wave over crowds of humans... Horseshit.  It would not take that long to figure out sick people are invisible, it would be immediately apparent.  The WHO are a useless international disaster response force, if you want someone to hand out condom information packets and hold an AIDS seminar for people who don't listen, call the WHO, massive viral breakout would require the CDC which is in Atlanta and would have been destroyed instantly in this movie.

            There are so many things wrong with this movie that any active viewer will become bored and frustrated with it after the first 30 minutes.

Movies of 2013, Apocalypses, pt2

Apocalypse Films (or "What is the Dumbest Thing I have seen all Year?")

            Aliens came down and made everything into shit.  I guess the only way to save it is through heroic self sacrifice, or friendship... or being incredibly selfish.

Oblivion, or "What a Twist in that at least it looks Pretty."

Overall: 5/10

It's look is as pretty as the plot is preposterous.

            I called every single thing that happens in this thing from the trailer.  It is cliché sci-fi mystery whose twist is that it was in fact, a different cliché all along.

            It is visually engaging, the sound and light and whole aesthetic work really well.  Though I cannot really figure out why Tom Cruise's uniform would be the impossible to keep clean and impossible to hide in bright white, rather than digital camouflage or just plain black, he is going into a hostile wasteland filled with monsters to try and repair killer robots.  Also, it is really odd that Tom Cruise is the lead in this movie.  He is 50 years old, and while I am sure that the main character's sense of humor and quirks were his invention as he is a good actor, he is 20 years older than the women playing his love interests, and when you take into account the twist of his existence his physical age becomes even more of an issue.

            Spoiler time discussion: Tom Cruise is a clone.  Who clones a guy and then ages him to 50?  Wouldn't a 30 year old Cruise be more of a physical asset?  This is not a shot against Cruise's body, which for a 50 year old is in really good shape, I could only hope to look as good when I am his age, but the point is that makes no sense.  Channing Tatum, Liam Hemsworth, Ryan Gosling are all in their physical prime and would be more convincing for what this role demands... But even the role itself makes no sense.

Why would its number decal be only on the front?  And why is it also really bright white?

            This giant alien robot clones astronauts to use as shock troops to defeat earth?  Why does it have the ability to do that?  Biological systems are hard to replicate, has it done this before on other populated worlds throughout the galaxy?  Why?  It has killer, flying, robots.  Let me explain in no uncertain terms, robots feel no pain, no fear, they require no sleep, no food, and no comfort.  Robots will follow orders without fail, they never get stressed out and never require any sort of pep-talk or status report... Humans require all of those things.  So why use clones?  Robots are clearly superior, the US military thinks Drones are the best thing for killing enemies since Cain killed Able.  Humans are squishy, whiney, and demanding, the alien drones are fast and powerful.  There is no reason to have Cruise clones at all.  And that is the real core as to why this movie is incredibly stupid.

            Additional problems: most actors are not developed, causing their actions to be questionable or just pensive and obnoxious for no reason.

            Additional blessings: the look of the movie is top notch, especially the armor of the human resistance being made out of stealth material but still having feathers or other adornments gives them a lot of visual personality.

The World's End, or "I am kind of siding with the bad guys on this one."

Overall: 8/10

I have given all of Edgar Wright's other movies a 10/10, so this one may warm on me.

            If you like humor based on goofy action or quick dialogue then this movie should really work for you.  A strong ensemble cast, a fun premise (pub crawl during an alien invasion), and a very cool twist on the whole thing which gives the characters arcs and growth.  It should be watched, and while it is not the strongest of Edgar Wrights movies it is still one of the best movies out this year.

            Spoiler time discussion: strictly speaking the end of this movie almost killed it for me.  The aliens are confronted, and are so frustrated with humanity's inability to just sit down and have a polite discussion that they nuke the planet into an endless dark age.  Apparently the aliens gave us the internet and were offering a sort of immortality in the form of becoming robots... I am kind of on their side.  Bland, but just as peaceful and fun as one could imagine.  Instead all of humanity has to live in the Fallout universe... that sucks.

Movies of 2013, Apocalypses, pt1

Apocalypse Films (or "What is the Dumbest Thing I have seen all Year?")

            Strangely, the end of the world was its own genre this year with a half dozen examples I managed to see.  Most having to do with some kind of giant monster, alien invasion, or zombies taking over... I guess the alien invasion of bland unfeeling robots could be a form of zombie too... Regardless it was its own thing outside of Fantasy, Horror, Science Fiction, or Action and so I will review the 6 I saw.  This is the first 3.

Pacific Rim, or "I can't Really Complain, I knew what the Premise of the Movie Was."

Overall: 6/10

I also find it funny that the main robot's name is Gypsy Danger, initials are GD, or "God Damn".

            There is nothing really surprising about this movie.  It is Power Rangers for grown ups with giant robots and giant monsters, a distant alien threat, a wise mentor figure, goofy comic relief, and martial arts sequences.  It is stone stupid.  However, it is extremely sincere in its stupidity, it is about fun, teamwork, and action, it is not, by any measure, a bad movie, and as a special effects triumph it is definitely worth watching.

            There are parts when they talk about how the giant monsters have the same DNA and are mass produced clones sent to attack Earth, this makes no sense because each monster looks totally different from one another, giant Crawfish, ape like, acid spitting, winged, tentacles, or able to fire off EMP blasts.  These are not clones.  There is also a heavy handed environmental message, and a tie into dinosaurs that is insulting to the audience.

            See if you were to create a defense against giant monsters that always appeared from the same area the answer is pretty obvious.  Turrets.  You set them up around the portal and whenever something emerges it is immediately bombarded into fish food.  Their poisonous bio mass gets washed away into the ocean, so I guess we could also set up some sort of filtering mechanism... Point is, robots are a preposterous idea.  But since the movie is about giant robots fighting giant monsters you just swallow that part of the stupid equation for the sake of fun.

            Additional problems: The characters are very stock, but that is to be expected because they want the audience to focus on the Giant Monsters aspect of things and having complex political social dynamics would just eat up time without really adding.

            Additional blessing: the movie ends with a literal Jaeger-Bomb.  I found that funnier than I should have.

This is the End, or "Surprisingly effective set-up and pay off."

Overall: 5/10

It also continues the trend of advertising comedies by just advertising the stars rather than the content.

            I can't really say that I hate this movie, it has a lot of real problems with scenes dragging on too long as, what I am assuming is improv, goes on and on well past the point in which it was funny.  And to some people that is hilarious just watching good comedic entities bounce off one another but really it just needs to be a little sharper.

            The movie does a good job with set up and pay off, having little lines of dialogue referencing people and then having them show up later in a surprisingly twisted way, or saying that a plot point should happen in a movie the characters are working on, and then having it happen in reality like some meta eternal recurrence type thing.  The effects are often amazing, with demons, heavenly light, death and destruction, and possession.

            Strangely the biggest issue I have with the movie is that I was having more fun just at some stoner-celebrity party than I did watching them in the apocalypse, the humor takes a step down once the plot gets going, and I ended up missing the interaction with all the other stars that were in the movie like Jason Segel and Mindy Kaling.  It is fine enough.

Warm Bodies, or "That's the Power of Love?"

Overall: 5/10

I guess it can be a little difficult to have banter between the leads when one can't speak... Parody?

            My seeing this movie was subsidized by a friend.  I wanted t wait till it hit the bargain theater in a week and save $3, and they wanted to see it that day, so they gave me the difference in ticket price.  Which is nice.

            In a universe which has been over run by zombies... you know, say what you will about Superhero movies all being the same, but compared to the monotone zombie films that are everywhere Hulk and Thor might as well be different genres... in a world destroyed by zombies one zombie clings to the idea of being human, and when he ingests the brains (and with the the memories) of a living girl's boyfriend he falls in love and slowly starts to transform into a human again.

            I like the actors, I even like the premise, but let me be clear, the movie is not funny or fast paced enough for me to have been swept up in it.  It is just okay.  It is stupid and takes its metaphor to such a Nth degree that nobody is left confused or frustrated by it.  But ultimately it is not comedic, romantic, horrific, or action packed enough to really hit me.  It gets a solid, "meh".

200th Blogger and Some Dreams

            This is not only my 200th blog on here, but it is also the 1,000 day this blog has existed.  Which means I have produced a short bit of writing roughly every 5 days for nearly 3 years.  And I think that is pretty good considering how much else I write that ends up going nowhere.  It is strange to write this really, because I know it is not the trumpeting of an angel calling the heavens to war, it will never change anything, it is just my random thoughts and fantasies.

            This all on here isn't important really, but I know that I am a richer person for having written it.  Having exercised it from my brain and throw it out on to the internet for other people to read and care about.  Maybe think about.  I know that my review of "The Dark Knight Rises" or "Prometheus" will not change anyone, but I know my mind changed via writing them.

            Regardless I do feel a love for the stuff I have put out there it is in many ways me in various dosages and flavors, lot of them half finished or left behind on another hosting site.  I have no idea why I thought Facebook would be the ideal place for a blog considering its stellar work with keeping something as simple as notes clean and accessible.

            For this occasion I am going to write up a number of dreams I have had.  As I have done this sort of thing before it's not really new ground, but I have these and it makes sense that to encapsulate all of the rambling stream of consciousness complaining I have done on this blog, that a big round number should have... Rambling nonsense pulled straight from my subconscious.

First Dream:

            I was taking a summer class, and it was the week before finals.  After class the Professor asks to stay so we can talk.  This Prof was tossing me out of the class (this Professor does not exist and is an invention of my mind). I had a class the previous semester with this Professor and at no point had I missed a class, arrived late, and had always participated, so I tell the Professor how I am a good student and should not be cut from the course.

            After telling the Professor that, he dismisses me.  Saying, "I never cared for how you conducted yourself, Josh."  I ask why he had never given me a warning or previous talking to.  His response, "I don't really like confrontation, so I avoid it as long as possible. You should leave now."

            I told him that finishing this class was all I needed for my Masters degree.  He didn't care. I then left and looked out across a vast campus which was mostly empty space with towers on it.  The towers were stacks of real life buildings from the FSU campus, like they had been snapped onto each other, as if they were giant Lego blocks.

            I set off walking across the campus, looking for a way to get a degree with the credits I already had.

Second Dream:

            I am walking in an underground cavern and come to a massive stone door with a lock in the center of it.  The lock is surrounded by 3 crystals/gems.  They are arrange one at the 11 o'clock, one at the 9 o'clock, and the last at the seven o'clock.  The gems are green-blue and sparkling.

            I am with a few other people and we are looking for something, an underground city that is possibly behind this giant stone door.  So we examine the lock.  The gems vanish and the door opens.

            We enter into an underground jungle, lit from the stone ceiling by a massive fissure that lets in a torrent of sunshine.  We see in the distance a steppe pyramid.  While walking there I stop along with a woman in my travel party, we are inspecting a flower/seed-pod that has a weird goo coming out of it that looks and tastes like marmalade.

Third Dream:

            My last and longest dream involved a very anime like plot.  It involves three siblings (two guys and a girl), myself, a friend of mine from my trip to Turkey (Jon P.), a tough girl, someone who I think was Bryan Cranston, an older tough woman, and a psychogenic super being (the words "psychogenic super being" were in my mind when I woke up, this is not me looking up some sort of term, that is what he was referred to in my dream, which I guess just means telekinetic).  All of us become freedom fighters in a world gone wrong.

            Most of the dream takes place on trains (awful trains, mostly just engines pulling flat beds with uncovered benches for passengers to sit on).  The world is dystopian as all the stops we go to on the way are incredibly run down and unkempt motels on the rail with very empty rooms, no staff, and no carpeting.  At one point we stop in an abandoned motel and sleep on old bare mattresses, weeds growing out of the floor, and no electric light for miles.

            An oppressive military regime in gold and red power armor (sort of like Iron Man, but more mecha like with wings) runs everything and is after the group, but each part of the group for different reasons.

            Initially the dream doesn't start with me but with the three siblings, who are running through the wilderness, trying to keep moving because they are being chased (more like they are wanted for some sort of crime, its not like there are dogs on them at that moment).  This is when they come to meet me, I am in the middle of nowhere also hiding from the government of this dream world.

            The three of us all continue running and eventually fin the railway and follow it down avoiding the regime and eventually meet the rest of the group.

            It is then that the group goes on a crime spree/freedom rebellion. 

            Ultimately we are caught and attacked by one of the winged gold power armor thugs and the psychogenic super being kills him by throwing it into the sky, filling the air with hot air balloons and confetti and ultimately flying up and kicking him around like some insane version of Superman would.  The rest of us just look on in amazement unable to help at all.

            Then we all flee down rail.

Movie Series that Need More Entries, #1 "The Mask"

            I would like film studios to make more movies about "The Mask".  Each movie would star a different protagonist who encounters the mask and goes on an adventure.

            The beginning of each movie would show each character's personal plight, they are angry, put upon, down on their luck, repressed, or just somewhat cruel.  The mask then enters their life and causes their deep seated desires to rise to the surface, warping reality and making them act as murderers, heroes, sex maniacs, or whatever.

            At the end of the movie they either grow as a person, which causes the mask to pass to the next owner, having allowed the owner to have grown and changed for the experience, or the possessor dies a victim of the internal evils that the mask brought to the surface.  Sort of like "Silent Hill" but mobile, personal, and interacting with the real world rather than just the town itself.

            This would actually make it closer to the original comic in execution which was about the mask passing from owner to owner turning most into violent cartoonish monsters.

            Either way it would save a great deal on casting, would allow for varying levels of horror and comedy (like "Nightmare on Elm Street"), and grant the sort of creative freedom with limits that encourages good story telling.

Very Different Tones could be played.

10 Haiku

In the House of Sin

Just off of Ohio Street

We were all quite safe

Not origami

The product of my hard work

Just crumpled paper

I want to go home

But I want to stay away

Take it day by day

The images swim

I close my eyes, white and black

ghosts of dreams unborn

I grew up I guess

She begged me to let her down

I did, but not hard

Between the Tree Rows

You can see the Horizon

Whether dark or day

How long will it last

Till April, May, June, or August

Today if lucky

I had just arrived

A world that just did not care

I was not surprised

Went through completely

Like a bullet, not a ghost

The hole she left hurt

You know what he is

Who?  You know who, Amsada

The Man in the Suit