Friday, July 7, 2017

Dungeons and Dragons, "My Favorite Player Character"

Standard Introduction
            I have been writing about Dungeons and Dragons semi-regularly this year and in the course of writing those I found a 30-day blog challenge.  As I have done those a couple times before it seemed remiss not to jump on this one.
            If you want here is a link to my 30-day challenge on Disney Movies, here is a link to my 30-day challenge on Video Games, and here is a comically out of date 30-day challenge on Movies (it is old and the writing is rubbish).

Day 7- Favorite Character I’ve Played
            Really, this isn’t my favorite character.  I have played few, and over the course of years and years I only have so many of them documented.  Swaths of half thought out ideas, or guys I made up on the quick to play over a weekend have drifted in and out of my memory while I thought to write this.
            Kimble is the destitute confidence man.  A disgraced member of a noble house he managed to kiss that world’s version of the Blarney Stone and with his gift of gab he talked a powerful fey entity into giving him magical powers (how he got his Warlock and Bard abilities).  He was my best attempt to play a cad who would say that he went on adventures for money, but once he had the money would blow thru it on junk he neither needed or wanted just to have an excuse to go on an adventure for more.

            He liked being a “noble” crook who would ransom people, keep his word, and charm those he robbed into letting him get away with it.  All ultimately serving the goals of chaos that his magical patron had in mind, but still, it was fun.
            Kimble was sympathetic, he gave off the air that he was in over his head with the fey, that he disliked the people he had swindled along the way (or at least a few of them), and cheered on the friends he had lost along the way who had managed to bounce back, “Sure I left them with nothing but debt and a turnip farm in an economy overflowing with too many turnips, but now they own the largest plantation in the southern kingdoms… and they don’t give me any credit for all the help I gave them getting there.  I mean, I taught them all they know about getting investors.  It’s not nothing.”
            All of that being explained, that was not the original-original version of the character.  I wrote I short story in character about a villainous self-destructive dick who ultimately got consumed by the bad life he led.  I decided to make a nicer Dungeons and Dragons version of that guy, and that is how Kimble the Bard was born.  For the purposes of completion, I present below the original story that was the seed of Kimble, the Player Character I consider my most memorable.
            I do realize how egotistical it must sound to say I inspired myself.  Just forgive that part.
            (Note: I edited the hell out of this.  My writing style has matured a great deal over the last decade.  So, while this does still have the original cynicism, it is mildly more coherent than before.  Also, that is the original title in all its “Working Title” glory.)
He was also a Half-Elf.

The Germ of a Character: “Pirates Life for Me”
            Okay, so I’m an aristocrat that went into self-imposed exile because rather than marrying the first cousin my parents arranged for me to marry, the one I call The-Fat-One, I instead knocked up my other first cousin, who I call The-One-With-The-Tight-Ass.
            And sure, I did that on her wedding day.  She was going to get married to her cousin on the other side, so I still feel I am karmically neutral in that regard as it is all still in the family.   And yeah, when I left I didn’t leave a note, took her best friend and maid of honor with me, and whose name I can’t remember so I call her Red-Head, but that was to be expected.
            And sure, I stole some stuff on the way out, but those were mostly gifts for the wedding, so I didn’t steal from her, I stole from those who were going to give her something, and I only stole the thing they were giving away to her.  That’s legit, they lose something they were giving up, and she doesn’t get something that she was only getting because of a shame wedding.  Taking it was the ethical thing to do when you think about it.
            And I didn’t betray their trust too deeply, it’s not like I was with Red-Head long, I sold her.  Her and the gifts to a ship captain in exchange for a small boat, some lessons on knife fighting, and a bag of silver coins.
            Red-Head had it coming anyway, who runs off with someone from their best friend’s wedding and steals all the gifts to boot?  Besides, she had put on some weight, and it wasn’t even in her breasts.  I’m sure she had a good life after that.  How could she not?  Getting waited on by her very own pirate crew, I’m sure any rapes are very infrequent.

"I'm sure it all worked out"
(I cannot find the original source for this image, but here is where I got it.)
            But I had to move on to new adventures.  Sure, I jumped ship at a port without paying my crew, sold my boat to a guy just before my former first mate sunk the thing to spite me, and stabbed a street urchin when he tried to steal my silver.  But really, what was he going to use that money for?  Food?  Medicine?  Warm clothing?  I’ve got my own needs to worry about.  Little girl should have stepped off.
            Honestly, I wish you had all been there, to see what happened next.  It would have been nice to have someone to pin this all on when the authorities nabbed me for dereliction of payment.  They took my knives, silver, and left me in a cell for two weeks.  If you had been there you would have had the pleasure of meeting Captain Bush and his first mate Sebaceous Sid.
            It is funny how being broke and imprisoned makes things sound so much better.  Like how being horny makes women hear promises of love and adoration and think they are genuine.  Bush promised me money, he promised me fame, and more than anything else, he promised freedom.  I was really horny for freedom.

            Of course, Bush meant freedom from the prison, but at the cost of having to work for his crew.  He was a cog in a very big machine, a machine that had no safety features.  A machine whose turning cogs had pinched off the fingers of many idiots to come along before.  Bush was a snake, and Sid was ugly as ten miles of bad road on the way to Hell.  But, and I must reiterate this, I was horny for freedom.  So, I took his deal.  Became a pirate.  I took to the sea with the intent of making a living off the blood of merchants.
            At least that was the plan.  My first attempts at professional piracy mostly resulted in the stabbing of a fellow crewman when he caught me taking an extra share.  His fault really, he followed nagging me about how shares wouldn’t be given out until later and would be done in a fair way.  Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut.
            That act got me tried by the rest of the crew, a kangaroo court if I had ever witnessed one, and they marooned me on a little spec of a paradise island that was to be all mine.  They stabbed me in the foot when they left.
            Island life is surprisingly not difficult.  Easy times spent lying about in the sun.  I actually questioned why anyone would find being left on a quaint little piece of nothing out in the middle of nowhere to be all that bad.  Then day two hit and I realized I deeply missed several novelties of civilized life.  The novelty of having places to steal from nearby for instance.  Or, the novelty of fresh water, that was an important realization too.
            Time passed a little awkwardly after I started drinking sea water, but I remember waking up tied to a spit surrounded by dark skinned people and getting oil flicked at me.  Well, that was bad, but when you are in that position, you know you are at rock bottom.  At that point, the only thing you can hope to look forward to, is anything.

Coming Tomorrow
            Tomorrow I am going to talk about my favorite characters of my fellow players.

            If you like or hate this please take the time to comment, +1, share on Twitter (click that link to follow me), Tumblr, or Facebook, and otherwise distribute my opinion to the world.  I would appreciate it.

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